Teena: *practically crying with relief* I finished it, I finally finished the final draft! This fic was absolutely vile, and rereading it to pick out the bits was a truly horrifying experience. I tried to leave out the worst of it to spare our readers. Also, bear with the suffering of our suffixes. Blasted fic reality. Don't worry, when we're ready to stand up and take care of business, we will assert our personal reality.
WyldeHorse: This was just nasty. That’s all I have to say about this fic.
For those of you who actually want to read this horror, you can find it here.
"COUSINS?! They're not cousins!"
"I know, I mean, REALLY! I'm sure that they were trying to explain why they're living together, but instead of having them appear to be lesbians, which they ARE, they have them appear to be incestuous lesbian cousins! And incest is just a squick of mine!"
"Next thing you know, they're going to rename it because the acronym SM is 'too bondage'."
"Shyea. And have raving, ranting Purist Otaku screaming at them."
"They already do. They just don't care," Teena replied, opening the door to Response Center #1999.
The two part-timers had just gotten back from their respective schools, and they'd run into each other in the General Store. Teena had dropped off a few cases of her new Bleeprin/Valium combo, Bleepium, and bought some chocolate. Wylde had just remembered that they were running low on Bleeprin, mostly due to Teena's experiments with Bleepium, and stopped in to get some. HQ was full of handy coincidences.
"Well, yes, thou hast a point," Wylde conceded as they walked in, minis in tow.
[BEEP-BEEP-BEEP! EMERGENCY! BEEP!]
"Shimatta!" Teena yelped, dashing for the console. She punched a few buttons and read the screen, then froze.
"Blessed Star-Eyed, what NOW? ... You froze. It must be very bad."
"It dies. Slowly. Horribly," Teena informed her partner, her tone of voice brooking absolutely no argument.
Not that Wylde was likely to argue. She inched up slowly and carefully to check the screen. "Gyeeeck. Dear Star-Eyed... looks like a Possession!Sue, too."
"I know. Poor Serenity. Hell, poor SETO. How well do you know Yu-Gi-Oh!?"
"Nada. Well, not true. I know some character names, because I have a few friends who rant about it. You'll have to do the exorcism, I fear. And you already called the other one, so you get 'em both. You OWE me."
"Nah. You can smash the spirit once it's out of Serenity."
"Yay!" Wylde cheered, dashing over to the weapon rack and picking out Ironheart. She briefly cuddled with the staff.
Teena dug through her manga collection. "Damn. I don't bother collecting the tankoubons because I get SJ," Teena complained, pulling out a Shonen Jump magazine. "It'll have to do."
"Eh, wait. I think I saw a Yu-Gi-Oh! manga in the General Store. Amazing what pops up there, really. You taking Suabru to feed the Sues to?"
"Six feet of snow? I don't think so. I'll be right back," Teena replied. She quickly smacked her head against a wall and started thinking hard about murdering the Sue, dashing out the door.
Wylde shrugged and started gathering Bleeprin products and other necessities before patting the mini-Companion she'd brought back with her.
"Gomen, Alberish, I'll see you guys when we get back."
"Got it!" Teena shouted as she returned, manga in hand.
"Great! Hey, here's a thought. It's all inside, if you pot him, you can stick him in a corner. They probably won't even notice."
"A small sakura? In the cabin in the middle of nowhere? I don't think so."
"It was just a thought. Gomen ne, Suabru. I'd pet you, but I value my hands."
Suabru rustled his leaves in a distinctly cackling manner.
"Meh. Evil mini-not-horses are better than evil mini-not-trees, if you ask me," Wylde sniffed, scratching Alberish.
Teena rolled her eyes as she dialed up the portal. "Nobody asked you. Don't hurt Suabru's feelings, it's bad enough that your cackling tendencies are rubbing off on him. Six feet of snow. Pfeh."
"Well, it's all inside. Supposedly nice and toasty. And can I help it if that's how I laugh? Besides, I bet it scares the shit out of your students. And it works better for him than my giggle."
"Yeah, yeah..." Teena muttered, grabbing a Duel Disk and her deck out of a drawer before pulling on her backpack.
The two agents steeled themselves and hopped through the portal. Directly into the author's notes.
Hey everybody its me ChaosMitress Reaurean is my OOC an NOT mine but my dear cosine ThunderMistress.
This is kinda a crossover/ PWP. I don't Yu-Gi- Oh or Yu-Yu-Hakusho.
"Erk. Loud," Wylde complained, shoving cotton balls in her ears.
"Owww. And she minied HERSELF, the idiot," Teena muttered disgustedly.
Wylde pulled out her PalmPilot and started compiling the charge list. "Misuse of spelling, in the case of 'cosine' for 'cousin'..."
"Dear cosine? Her relative is a mathematical concept?"
"Run-on sentences, in the form of—"
"Don't quote. You promised," Teena reminded her partner quickly.
"Bleh. Fine, fine," Wylde agreed, making faces when Teena turned away. "Poor punctuation."
THIS STORY HAS LEMON DON'T READ IF GETS OFFEND. SO DON'T CRY TO MOMMY IF YOU READ AND NOT MATURE.!!!!!!
"Ow! And we thought it was loud before! Cut down on the caps!" Teena yelped, covering her ears with her hands.
Wylde shoved more cotton in her own ears.
"Didn't you get some of that sound-muffling stuff from what's-his-name?!" Teena shouted over the noise.
"Yeah, lemme find it!" Wylde called back, digging in her backpack. As she pulled things out, a small mountain of random stuff grew around her. "No, not this... this isn't it..."
"The note is over," Teena said, pulling her hands away from her ears as the noise faded.
"Um," Wylde said, sniffing at an unidentified something in her hands. "Not this, either, I think this is that sandwich I lost... eh? Did you say something?"
"The note's over, the noise is gone."
"Um, wait, can't hear you, let me take the cotton out of my ears," Wylde replied, tugging out the white fluff. "Now, what did you say? Hey, it's quiet!"
"Oh, is that what you were saying?" Wylde asked.
Teena just nodded silently.
"Ok," Wylde said, packing all the stuff back into her pack.
Teena rolled her eyes and looked out the window of the cabin/cottage/whichever.
Serenity, Seto, Kurama, and Reaurean, pulled their coats together trying to keep in the little warmth they had left inside. Serenity snuggled, into Seto chest as they trudged though the six feet of snow that stung their faces within each blow of the wind.
The four finally reach their destination, a small stone cabin with a wooden porch, which surrounded the cottage.
"Six feet of snow. You realize Seto is probably the only one taller than that snow? Maybe not even Seto. I know he's tall, but he might not be THAT tall," Teena informs her partner with evident annoyance.
"Um, if you say so. Gotta wonder how they'll get out or how they got in."
"How can the whole six feet of snow sting their faces with every 'blow' of wind? That's a lot of snow."
"Yep. How are they trudging through all that, anyway?"
"I have no idea," Teena says absently, peering out at the group. "Hey, a Seto chest! I want it!"
"Shouldn't we send it to the OFU?"
"Hey, Seiyaryu has too much to deal with already, and I want it as a souvenir."
Kurama stumbled to pull out the key, but he was successful and let the foursome in.
"Bloody tense changes," Teena muttered, wincing. "Foursome? I thought they were two couples, not a foursome."
"And the Sue's name doesn't sound the LEAST bit Japanese, which I'm sure it's supposed to," Wylde sniped.
"Too many vowels..."
"Yep. They have better taste than that."
Reaurean heaved a little sigh and Serenity commented on the warmness that got an agreement out of everyone.
Seto said something about getting something warm for them to drink.
"Add 'cruelty to the common comma'," Teena said, sighing.
"Look, an 'agreement out of everyone'!" Wylde chirped, acting like a birdwatcher that had just seen a particularly rare species. She did that at times. PPC agents tended to become connoisseurs of badfic.
"Would it kill her to actually HAVE the dialogue? It's hurting my ears to hear them saying things without talking all the time," Teena grumbled.
"Yeesh... is proper knowledge of good writing styles too much to ask for? No, forget I said that, of course it is. How silly of me—she's a FANGIRL, rules for writing stories don't apply to HER."
Walking to the sitting area (that had a small fireplace), Kurama sat in the corner of the sofa, pulling Reaurean in his lap, he wrap his arms around her torso and gently pulled her back to his chest.
"Grrr... hands off, property of Hiei! He's GAY, you fool! And he has a pissy demon for a lover!"
"Bi," Teena corrected Wylde. "He's a YOUKO."
"Well, I suppose you have a point. I say gay, though."
"Speaking as someone who IS a youko at times, they don't restrict the range of their hormones that way."
"Fine, fine, spoil my fun..."
"But yeah, pissy jaganshi lover."
Laying light butterfly kiss to her neck, he drops his hands between her legs. Whispering something wicked in her ear, she blushed a light crimson, before awkwardly turning around, dropping a kiss to his soft lips.
"She kissed him. The bint KISSED him!"
"Okay, if hands are off limits, lips are a REAL no-no!"
"What's the damn RATING on this, anyway?" Wylde asked, scowling.
Teena focused past the main Words to check the general fic information. "R... but, damn, in the author's notes we couldn't pay attention to, she said it was a lemon."
'Kami- sama don't they know I'm sitting right across from them?' Serenity thought rolling her eyes and leaving the room.
"Arrrgh, more lack of commas. How does one 'thought roll' their eyes? Hide, she'll see us!" Teena hissed, dragging her partner behind the stairs quickly.
"I don't know," Wylde answered quietly as Serenity passed by. "I'm going to need something very strong after this."
The two agents crept out from behind the stairs to peek into the fireplace room again.
Pulling off her shirt, witch earned a shaky gasp she smirked and said,
"Kurama-sama I said, I was cold there no reason to undress me."
"It not the point of you being cold, love, its what I want to do with you whiled your undress." He said, whiled unclasping her bra.
"He's taking her clothes off," Teena whimpered quietly.
"I know. I have eyes. I currently wish that I didn't. I need a spork."
"This is just so not—" Teena broke off her sentence, one hand going to her temple quickly as she winced. "Oh, sweet Inari, no."
"Bleeprin?" Wylde suggested, offering the bottle.
Teena shook her head. "Won't help... I'm feeling Kurama, the real one. He's in there, he knows what she's making him do."
"Poor guy, must be traumatic," Wylde said, closing her eyes to skim ahead in the Words. "Perspective shift coming up."
"Whatever..." Teena muttered, reaching out to grab her partner's hand.
Wylde made a quiet sound of discomfort as Teena used her to realign her emotions out of sync with Kurama's. "I hate it when you do that, it feels weird. Doesn't mean I won't let you—I know how much you need it. But... gleh."
Kurama held one of the supple mount of flesh in his hand and place the other to his mouth molding his lips around it,
"Bleh. Exactly what I NEVER want to see: Kurama doing that with a girl," Wylde said, disgusted.
"'Supple mount of flesh'? What the HELL?"
"I think it meant 'mounds'... Mt. Fleshmore!" Wylde declare, giggling insanely.
"Ewww... Ah, here's that perspective shift," Teena said.
Both agents brace themselves for the bump of the perspective shift, then quickly rushed to the kitchen door to peek inside.
Serenity lend against the door frame and watch the brunette pour something into the cups.
"humm, Seto what are you doing?" Serenity asked.
"Fixing your drinks, what else?" He replied coolly
"Ohhh what is it?" She asked
"What are you pouring into them?" She smiled, "Are you spiking, my drink." She teased.
"Hmm. I don't know much, so enlighten me... does Seto normally spike drinks?"
"No. Seto Kaiba is supposed to be a cold and very mature individual. He's the teenage CEO of a major business," Teena informed her partner flatly.
"So, he wouldn't be... 'fixing' drinks. Or, if I may take an educated guess, be about to fuck a girl on the kitchen floor."
"No. Not hardly."
"Or maybe a counter top, or the table is always an option."
"Again, no. And did you notice that Serenity 'lend' on the door frame?"
"Yep. Looks rather odd, too."
"Gee Seto did you put beer in it?
"Of cores not, the bitter taste is only lemon, I prefer it better then alcoholic." Seto replied
"More bad spelling and punctuation. And do you know anyone that puts lemon in eggnog?"
"Nope. Hence, it's not lemon. Maybe I should form a house for beaten and battered punctuation marks," Wylde said thoughtfully.
Teena just sweatdropped and dragged Wylde behind the steps again as Serenity passed by on her way back to the living room. They peeked out to watch over her shoulder.
Opening the door she saw a half-naked Reaurean and a topless Kurama.
Kurama rolled Reaurean onto her back and she wrap her legs around his torso. Even though they still had close on, Kurama rocked his hips into her pelvis and she let out a muffled moan.
"Ewww, half-naked Sue-flesh..." Wylde moaned, keeping her voice down so they wouldn't be heard.
"Ra help us... did you ever add 'erratic use of -ed' to the charge list?"
"I am now," Wylde told her, fiddling with her PalmPilot.
Teena continue watching and twitched. "This is vile... Sue, get the hell away from him."
"Can we pretend like it's Hiei, maybe?" Wylde whimpered quietly.
Serenity felt her heat jolting and quickly close the door.
"'Felt her heat jolting'? What does that mean? Add 'confusing passages'," Teena told Wylde as they both ducked back to avoid being seen.
"Where's your PalmPilot, anyway?" Wylde asked as she made the note.
Teena blinked at her innocently. "In my backpack. You said you'd keep the list this time, remember?"
"Gweh. Right, right. Eh, this is as good a time as any," Wylde said, emerging from behind the steps to point her CAD at Seto.
[Kaiba Seto: CANON Status: 47.52% OOC]
"Not as bad as I was expecting. It'll get worse, though," Teena predict, watching as Wylde pointed the CAD at Serenity.
[Serenity Wheeler, a.k.a. Jounouchi Shizuka: CANON Status: POSSESSION!SUE, EXORCISE PROMPTLY!]
"Damn, I was afraid of that."
"Jooooy. But then, that's why you bought the manga," Wylde said, moving to open the door to the other room and point the CAD at Kurama.
"Oven mitts, aibou."
[Kurama, a.k.a. Minamino Shuuichi: CANON Status: 67.68% OOC CHARACTER RUPTURE!]
"Itetetete... hot!" Wylde hissed, juggling the CAD quickly.
"I warned you."
Her eyes widen, when she felt to arms warp them self under her breast. "S- Seto?"
"Itai... that looks painful," Teena mutter, wincing at the totally wrong twisting of Seto's arms.
Wylde snorted, busy blowing on her slightly scorched hands. "Can't be as painful as burning your hands on an overheating CAD."
"It's your own fault for not being careful," Teena scolded, walking over to take Wylde's hands in her own.
"I know... but still, blessed Star-Eyed, that's hot!"
"Here, let me try something," Teena muttered, frowning down at the burns. A faint green spark skipped from Teena's hands to Wylde's, and the worst of the scorching fade.
"Thank you so much, aibou. You must really be coming along in your lessons at OFCoV!"
Seto tugged on her sweater and Serenity gave him a questioning look .
"And another shirt disappears. Do you notice that they never actually say where it GOES, they only indicate that it's been taken off?"
"That's because fangirls never care where the clothes go, as long as they aren't on the characters anymore," Teena grumbled.
"Yes, you have a point, I must admit."
Reaurean felt Kurama pull her panties farther down her legs and successfully pulled it over her left leg letting it hang heavily over her right foot.
"I'm not sure which is worse, watching Kurama with the Sue, or watching Seto trying to not get aroused by his oh-so-virginal Serenity-Sue," Teena muttered as they crossed the hall back to the original room.
"Well, for me, Kurama is worse, 'cause I don't know the other two."
"I, alas, do. Oh, ewwww! Naked Sue, naked Sue!" Teena whined, covering her eyes and trying to stop hyperventilating.
"Gwaaa! I think I'm blind, eww... Bleepka when we get back to our response center. Here, let's leave the room and just read the Words, we can get 'em on that. Unless you want to take 'em now."
"We have to wait and get all the charges. You know how the SO is about copping out on charges," Teena pointed out.
"Yes, you're right. There must be some rooms other than these two in here, let's go find one," Wylde said, heading up the stairs.
Teena nodded and followed, concentrating on the Words.
Opening her eyes, she let her reddish-brownish eyes look to his green ones.
"Bleh. Must be murky," Wylde said, looking around. Teena paused to help her look, then sniffed dismissively.
"Damn... this Sue isn't big on defining her world. There's a set of stairs and a bathroom, that's about it."
She smiled, and ran her ringer though his Black hair with red highlights.
"Bathroom it is, then. We can hide out in there until they're clothed again," Wylde said, then blinked as Teena froze in absolute horror.
"Black... with red highlights? She gave Kurama punk hair!"
"Shiori would DIE!"
"But not before making Kurama change it back. THEN she would die of the stress," Wylde said, storming into the bathroom and hauling Teena along with her.
(A/N Its true Kurama does have black hair in the manga! I just added the highlights. v_v)
"Damn things... DOES Kurama have black hair in the manga? I have doubts. I mean, not many pages are in color in manga. It may LOOK black, but it probably isn't," Teena complained, covering her ears as the parenthetical author's note thundered through the fic world.
"I agree. Owwie."
Kicking off his boxers she felt something poking her in he lower abdomen.
Blushing when she found out what it was.
"Nooo... he's hard... poor Kurama... ewewew," Teena groaned.
"The very idea. And she's making him do that with her. That's practically rape!"
"Ra help me..." Teena gasped, dropping to the floor of the bathroom and using one wall as a backrest, hands at her temples. "Seto's figured out where this is going, and Kurama's just..."
"Kurama-kun we have no condoms."
"No. No way. He would not be unprotected."
"Erratic use of suffixes—she was calling him Kurama-sama earlier, now it's Kurama-kun," Teena said weakly, forcing through the horror and disgust she was picking up from the real Seto and Kurama.
Without warning he slip his two finger into her tight passage.
"Kami-kun." She gasp.
Seto notice a bulged in his pants and clutch his fist that wrap around the girls waist to keep her steady.
"Improper use of the singular. If there are two, it should be 'fingers'. And you would never say 'Kami-kun'. Kami is God; you use -sama to denote respect for the god," Teena continue, slowly getting a grip on herself.
"'Clutch his fist that wrap around the girls waist'? That must hurt," Wylde mutter, jotting down the charges.
"Wylde, make it stop!"
"Wanna take 'em out now, then? Your next lesson will be shielding, aibou."
"We can't, not until it's over," Teena insisted, grabbing Wylde's wrist and focusing her Empathic attention totally on her partner.
Wylde winced and pinch herself sharply.
"Owww, stop that!"
"Got your mind off of other stuff, though. And it helps me get my mind off of how damn weird that feels."
"I need to get better shields. I can't keep using you to realign myself," Teena mutter.
"As soon as we get back, I'm scheduling your next lesson. Even if I have to manufacture a detention for you."
Reaurean eyes widen then she thought about it. ' My period not on and this is the best time... but there still the risk of pregnancy...But I do want to feel the feeling of his length moving in and out my center over and over again...'
"Do y-you want to keep going." He asked.
Reaurean saw a desperate look spread across his face and she smiled answered. "I'll never stop for you."
The fireplace made her skin extra soft an he had to try out the texture.
'She beautiful...' Running his fingers down her arm. Reaurean felt Goosebumps at his touch.
"She felt Goosebumps? How can she feel a children's horror mystery series?" Wylde asked, blinking slightly.
Teena snorted. "Don't look at me, I'm still trying to figure out how the fireplace made her skin 'extra soft'. It should be drying her out."
"Messing with physics, then."
"Hai. And don't even get me STARTED on how she wanted to 'feel the feeling'. Department of Redundancy Department, anyone?"
Seto let Serenity drop her pants and her panties to the marble floor. Seto smiled when he saw her blush from the root of her hairs. All her could do a that moment was stare.
He stare at her full creamy breast and her apple shaped womanhood, down to her blue nail polished toes.
"Can someone have an 'apple-shaped womanhood'? Is that even possible?" Wylde asked. The focus jumps weren't even affecting them anymore. The sheer creeping horror of the fic's content drowned out all lesser discomforts.
"I doubt it."
Stepping forward, she bit her bottom lip and stepped back.
"I bet if we were down there watching, we'd see Serenity almost stumble from trying to step forward and back at the same time," Teena complained with a groan.
Wylde decided enough was enough and start skimming ahead, jotting down charges. "That should be that, then. Now, let's go get Reaurean, and then we can ambush the Possession!Sue when she enters the bathroom. We'll have to be quick, though. Hmmm..."
The fireplace made Kurama red highlights stand out like a single red rose in garden filled with white ones. Running her fingers thought the thickness she felt her older lover push though the first tight rings of her body.
Moan out in male satisfaction he place a another passionate kiss to her lips.
Reaching her body barrier he close his eyes and with a single thrust broke though her virginity.
"Ra help me, they're BOTH virgins?!" Teena yelp disbelievingly.
"I can fetch Reaurean, and bring her up here, and you can take care of the possession," Wylde said, insistently going on with her train of thought. "I'll be quick—we can stow her in the tub until we take care of the Possession!Sue, and charge them both together. Sound like a plan?"
"We want to be out of this cabin before killing her. As soon as she's gone, this place will start trying to not exist." Teena reply shaking her head. Then she promptly made at face at how badly her own reality had just been affected by the wrongness of the fic universe.
"Well, we take 'em, then high-tail it outta here. I'll go get Reaurean and bring her up here," Wylde offer, heading downstairs. As soon as she peeked into the living room she change her mind. "Bleh, they're still at it." She quickly headed back up the steps to rejoin her partner. "Let's skip forward first so I don't have to wait for them to separate. Bleh."
Crying out Seto stop in a mid stroke asking her,
"Are you ok?"
"I'll be fine its my first time you know... so it kinda hurt." She retort.
"She's turned Seto into a considerate, kind, and caring boyfriend," Teena snarled as she reached out to snatch the CAD from her partner. The enraged agent stalked down the steps and into the kitchen, aiming the CAD at Seto.
Wylde chased after her, worried. "Oven mitts! You need oven mitts!"
[Kaiba Seto: CANON/NONCANON/CANON WHOOPS, MR. JELLY! OUT OF CHEESE ERROR, REDO FROM START!]
The CAD started sizzling as Teena glared down at it coldly, ignoring the burns that were forming on her hand. She had been angry before. Now she was beyond angry. There was only so much one person should have to take.
Wylde caught up, looking at Teena cautiously. "Now can we hop forward?"
"You. Utter. Bitch," Teena snapped, eyes on the Serenity Sue.
Wylde pulled on a pair of oven mitts and reached for the CAD, tugging gently. "Here, give me that..."
Teena allowed her partner to take the CAD, paying no attention to the nasty burns on her hand.
Wylde noted the burns, but a quick glance at Teena's chillingly calm and cold expression made her decide not to bring them up just yet. "You gonna take her now? Do we charge her before or after we exorcise her?" Wylde asked, packing away the CAD and pulling out her Ironheart.
Pleasure filled liquid rolled down her thighs as Kurama pleasured her.
"Aibou? Does it make sense to put a comma after an exclamation point?"
"Not in any English textbook I ever saw," Wylde replied.
"I didn't think it did," Teena said, voice quiet and smooth. You'd think she was just having a casual conversation until you saw the look in her eyes.
Wylde had seen this look in her eyes once before. Only once, and she thanked the Star-Eyed for it. Most of the time, the two of them meshed almost perfectly. They were both yaoi fans, both cheerful and a bit random, and they both enjoyed their work. Wylde's pure and somehow innocent delight in carnage was nicely contrasted with Teena's tendency towards sarcasm and cynicism. Even better, the two of them honestly LIKED each other. But Teena had a very deeply buried streak of utter sociopathy. It had just been unburied.
"Okay," Wylde agreed, grabbing her PalmPilot and bringing up the charge list. "I'll charge Serenity, then you exorcise her. Sound good?"
"Wait a few. There's a severe perversion of the Japanese language coming up, and I want it on."
"I scanned ahead and got 'em all already, including... that," Wylde said hurriedly. Teena was in a dangerous enough mood already without a "Fangirl Japanese" snit fit on top of it. Wylde fingered Ironheart with nervous anticipation.
Serenity rock back with each hard thrush..."Ahhhh" she cried out
Teena caught one of the small thrushes born from the misspelling and quietly snapped its neck. "Fine. By the time we properly interrupt, it'll have been said, anyway."
"A-hem. Serenity," Wylde called, eyes on the charge list.
"Serenity Wheeler—this is apparently the English version," Teena informed her.
The two characters looked up, both slightly dazed from being in the middle of sex.
"Oh-kay. Serenity Wheeler."
"Huh?" Serenity said, eyes wide.
Seto momentarily slipped closer to his canon self, as this situation was drastically outside the parameters set up by the Sue. "How did you get in here? This is private property!"
"Ah-huh. Just hush, Seto, everything will be all right very soon now," Wylde told him gently. "As for you, Sue Serenity Wheeler, you are hereby charged with being a Mary Sue. Specifically, a Possession!Sue."
"I don't understand," Serenity said, looking on the verge of tears.
Teena took her Duel Disk out of her pack and slipped it on, shoving her deck into the holder. "You bitches never do. But let me enlighten you about something."
"You are also charged with abuse of the English language, including poor spelling, run-on sentences, poor punctuation, cruelty to the common comma, sentence fragments, and erratic use of -ed," Wylde continued in the background. She knew she was being ignored, but the rules only said they had to charge the Sue. Nowhere did it say the Sue had to be paying attention. "You also stand accused of in-text author's notes, confusing passages, improper use of the singular, not giving a god proper respect..."
"I have a nice idea that maybe you're counted as a trap," Teena told Serenity, smiling coldly as she drew a card from her deck. "Or rather, your influence is. Remove Trap!"
"Having, of all things, an apple-shaped womanhood, turning Seto into a kind, considerate, caring boyfriend, causing a complete character rupture in Seto—you busted one of our CADs with that!—and finally, bad Japanese. Oh, and pissing Teena off so much she went into psychotic mode. How do you plead?" Wylde finished.
Seto jerked back sharply from the girl on the counter. He quickly straightened up, cold blue eyes scanning both Serenity and the two agents. "What the hell just happened to me?" he demanded.
"Seto-kun? Wh-what are you DOING?!" Serenity cried out, reaching for him.
He easily avoided her grasping hand.
"It's not a problem, Kaiba-san. We're taking care of it," Teena told him calmly, getting the manga out of her pack.
Wylde went over and grabbed the Serenity-Sue.
"H-hey! Let GO of me! What are you doing to me?!"
"Why was I having sex with the mutt's sister?" Seto asked them, an expression of acute distaste on his face.
"Because it was written in its story that you did. That's why we're here. She's not HER at the moment," Wylde explained, trying to keep her grip on the struggling girl.
"We're taking care of it, Kaiba-san. You should clean up and get dressed, then go find your brother."
"Hurry up, this bitch is WRIGGLY! Oh, and be careful of the snow."
"Mokuba!" Seto said, slightly startled. He quickly grabbed his clothes and dashed up the stairs toward the bathroom. No doubt he'd be heading back to Domino inside of fifteen minutes.
"Seto-kun? What about me? Save me! You love me, you said so!"
"Get thee hence from this vessel, spirit of the fangirl author! The power of Takahashi compels thee!" Teena snapped, smacking the Serenity-Sue over the head a few times with the manga. "I SAID, the power of Takahashi compels thee! Now get the hell out!"
After a few moments of dramatic writhing and wriggling, Serenity's back arched, the spirit of the Possession!Sue leaving her body. Serenity went limp, and Wylde let go of her to get Ironheart into position. Teena caught the unconscious girl quickly.
"My beloved, why did you leave me? Come back, my Seto!" the Sue moaned plaintively.
"And just so you know, he didn't say he loved you. 'I love you' is 'Aishiteru', you stupid bitch!" Teena hissed up at the Sue-spirit just before Ironheart came down hard on the back of its neck, snapping the spine. The Sue dropped to the floor, dead.
"Now, on to Reaurean," Wylde said cheerfully.
"We can just leave this one here, it'll get wiped out with the cabin when it vanishes," Teena told her, laying Serenity down carefully.
The two agents stalked into the living room to find Kurama and Reaurean lying on the floor together, basking in the afterglow.
Teena growled and pulled another card from her deck, slipping it into a second Magic slot. "I'm so glad I got this thing modified. Paralyzing Potion on Kurama! Gomen, Kurama-san."
"Works for me. I sure don't want to be attacked by him," Wylde commented, scrolling her charge list to a new section. "Reaurean, we of the PPC hereby charge you as a Mary Sue. You also stand accused of abuse of the English language, including poor spelling, run-on sentences, poor punctuation, cruelty to the common comma, sentence fragments, erratic use of -ed, and erratic use of suffixes. Well, that last bit is abuse of Japanese, but you get the idea."
"Nani? Let me go!" Kurama shouted. "Reaurean, go, run!"
"What about you Kurama-kun?" Reaurean cried, scrambling to her feet.
"Oh, look, yet another 'noble' Sue," Teena sneered. "She won't leave her 'lover'."
"I can take care of myself! Run, protect yourself!"
"But Kurama-kun..." Reaurean protested, backing away from the agents.
"Get on with the charges, aibou," Teena said flatly.
"Right. Reaurean, you also stand accused of in-text author's notes, confusing passages, giving Kurama punk hair, feeling a children's horror mystery series, and causing a character rupture in the character of Kurama, a.k.a. Shuuichi Minamino."
"What do you mean? And how do you know that name?!" Kurama asked, clearly startled.
"You'll feel better when we're done, Kurama-san, I promise. Don't forget meddling with physics by having fire make her skin softer," Teena said.
"I'm not done yet, aibou."
"Of course. Gomen," Teena apologized with a nod, watching the Sue coldly, totally ready to whip out a throwing knife if she tried to escape.
"Are you insane?! What are you people talking about?" Reaurean cried, balling her fists in angry confusion.
Kurama was concentrating on trying to use his youki to escape his paralysis, to no avail.
"Your charges also include messing with physics, bad Japanese, and last but certainly not least, grossing out and generally annoying PPC agents. What do you have to say for yourself?"
"You're not making any sense! There's nothing wrong with my Japanese, it's my native language! And I would never do anything to Kurama, I love him" Reaurean shouted.
"Eurgh, Sue-sap," Wylde muttered, disgusted.
"Also, technical rape," Teena added coldly.
"Ah, yes. Most certainly."
"But I was perfectly willing!" Kurama protested.
"Oi," Wylde objected.
Teena snarled and glared at both of them. "I can feel the real Kurama in there, and he is absolutely and completely DISGUSTED!"
"Just DO it, will ya? And why do none of you get it that he likes HIEI?" Wylde snapped.
"Nani?! Hiei?" Kurama yelped, eyes wide.
"Oi... must remember how OOC he is... must remember how OOC he is... Aibou... kill her."
"Outside. Remember, this cabin doesn't really exist. Drag Kurama and Serenity, would you? Seto's probably long gone," Teena told her partner, grabbing Reaurean quickly and hauling her towards the door.
"WHAT? You can't just kill her!" Kurama shouted.
Wylde dashed into the kitchen to get Serenity, then carried her outside before coming back to drag Kurama out the door. She also snagged their discarded clothes on the way.
"We're duly authorized to use deadly force."
"Craaaaap, it's COLD! Just kill the bitch so we can go somewhere WARM!" Wylde shouted as she struggled with putting the clothes back on the two limp canonicals.
Teena, of course, didn't bother with Reaurean's clothes, just dragging the Sue off the porch into the snow. "She has to die painfully."
"Shitshitshit I hate being cold..."
"Hold this. I think she needs to learn that trifling with youkos is a bad idea," Teena snarled, shoving the struggling Sue into her partner's hands. When she was sure Wylde had a good grip, she let go and opened her backpack. The Duel Disk went into it, and a blue thermos came out.
"Heh. Yes, that is a GOOD idea!"
"Let me go," Reaurean yelled, glaring at both of them.
Kurama, much to the disgust of the agents, echoed her. "Let us go! You can't do this, it's illegal!"
"Oh, like you're one to talk..."
"We will let you go, Kurama-san. When you're better," Teena said calmly as she opened the thermos. Then she dumped cold water over herself, changing to her cursed form, Kit.
"Nani? Let me go! Teme!"
"Just sit back and enjoy the show, Kurama-san," Kit told him with a faint smirk. He ran one hand lightly through his hair and tugged out a seed. "I think you'll recognize this."
"Yeah! Go, Kit-kun!" Wylde shouted and cheered, whistling and carrying on, making enough noise for a full-scale cheering squad.
Kit chuckled and tossed the seed to a place where the snow was tramped down, channeling his youki into it. "Grow," Kit said softly. Soon the small seed was a fully grown Death Tree, each large branch ending in a sharp-toothed, acid-drooling mouth.
"Nani? How did you get one of those?" Kurama asked, gasping.
Kit stepped in close to the plant, one hand reaching out to caress the bark lightly. "The same way you got yours. From the Makai. Make her hurt, pet."
The tree snapped several of its mouths, acid dripping to the ground to melt the snow where it fell. Reaurean screamed, and Kurama fell silent, stunned and horrified.
"Shove her down, Wylde. I don't want the acid to drip on you."
Wylde quickly shoved the Sue into a drift and ran out of the way.
"Cripple her, pet. Quickly, before she runs," Kit commanded calmly.
The tree snapped at her legs, a few of the teeth tearing her skin, but mostly smearing the acid to eat away at her. Reaurean screamed, feebly trying to scrabble back.
"Iie..." Kurama gasped.
"Oh-kay. I'm just too fucking cold... hit me with that cold water," Wylde demanded.
Kit snagged the thermos and tossed it to her, most of his attention on the Death Tree and Reaurean.
Wylde doused herself and changed to her dragon form, then started to warm herself up, watching the cold smile of satisfaction appear on Kit's face.
"Slowly, my pet, I want to savor this."
Kurama frowned and focused his youki on the plant, fighting Kit for control of it. Kit snarled and forced the other youko's will out. If Kurama had been himself, Kit would have had a real struggle on his hands—in fact, he probably would have lost—but against the Sue-influenced version, it was no contest.
"Aibou... did you paralyze his powers, or just his body?"
"Paralyzing Potion prevents attack. I think use of youki would be counted as a special effect."
Wylde sighed and hooked her claws in Kurama's shirt, dragging him behind a drift so he couldn't see what was happening.
Kit stroked the Death Tree affectionately. "Now the arms, pet."
Reaurean screamed loudly as the acid dripped down and ate away at her arms. Very, very loudly.
Kit winced, his sensitive ears flattening against his head.
"Eh, um... try the pocket inside the middle pocket the second row on the near side of the inside of the main pocket, that might have the sound stuff," Wylde called from the other side of the drift.
"I'm not searching through that mess of yours," Kit called back, stroking the tree's bark again as he gave it a silent command. The Death Tree dripped acid onto the Sue's throat. As it ate away her voice box, the screams died into a choked gurgle.
"If not that, then three pockets diagonally down, in another inner pocket—ah. We don't need it anymore?"
"No. No, we don't," Kit replied, an evilly satisfied smile curling his lips.
"Go ahead, pet. Finish her. Make her die," Kit told the plant, stepping back a bit to give it room.
"Yeah! Make her hurt! Give her pain! Shine shine shine!" Wylde cheered, flapping up far enough that she could see over the drift, allowing her to watch the Sue's painful death and Kurama at the same time.
The Death Tree lunged forward, teeth ripping and tearing, acid burning, to eat the Sue. When it was done, Kit caressed it fondly once more before returning it to a seed.
"Huh? What happened?" Kurama said, looking a bit dazed. The death of the Sue had freed his real personality, the traumatic memories of what he'd done with her blurred.
"Geh, quick, let Kurama go and let's be gone," Wylde said, dropping down under the snow level again. Kit walked around the drift to join them, returning the seed to his hair and depositing Wylde's pack next to Kurama.
"I will. We'll have to fix his hair, though."
"Aw, crap, and we've gotta send him home."
"I'll open a portal. Give me the activator. If push comes to shove, I can shove him through. I'm not switching back, it's too damned cold, and I doubt he'll listen to a dragon."
"Do we have to release him just yet? I rather like him all helpless like this," Kit commented as he knelt next to Kurama, tracing a finger down the teenager's cheek with a playful smile.
"Ki-it," Wylde grumbled in a warning tone.
Kit just smiled up at her, his tail swishing lightly.
"The SO would have a fit. Remember the LAST time you tried to ravish a canon?"
"But he's so pretty," Kit said, pouting.
Wylde stuck a claw into her pack to pull out the red thermos. The dragon awkwardly unscrewed the top and dumped the hot water over her partner. "Bad Kit. Hormones BAD."
"Now I'm all wet again, damn it! And it's cold out here!" Teena complained, shivering.
"Yell at Kit. He was about to ravish Kurama."
"I AM Kit. I keep telling you that. I just have more discipline as myself."
"Let's finish this. And would you rather be wet or burnt?"
"Vicious creature. We should take him back to HQ and fix his hair."
"Hmm, yes. You've got the activator. I'm a FIRE DRAGON. It's part of my nature to be vicious. Like Kit being horny," Wylde said, digging her claws into Kurama's shirt.
"Yeah, yeah," Teena muttered, grabbing her pack and Wylde's, then retrieving her Duel Disk. She slipped out the two Magic cards and put them in with the rest of her deck, then packed it all away. She also snagged the Seto chest and shoved it into the pack. Usually she enjoyed pushing the odd properties of PPC backpacks to the limits, but at the moment she was busy. Pulling out the remote activator, she quickly dialed up the portal back to HQ.
"What is that?" Kurama asked, climbing to his feet. Taking the Magic card out of the Duel Disk had deactivated the effect, and he could, obviously, move again.
Wylde took off, claws still in Kurama's shirt, lifting him with her.
"How do you LIFT that much?" Teena asked, shifting the two packs she was carrying.
"Damned if I know. How can Discworldian swamp dragons rearrange their insides so that they can fart flame?"
"I can walk. Please put me down," Kurama requested calmly.
"I don't want you running off."
"I am in an unfamiliar place surrounded by deep snow. Where would I go?" Kurama pointed out.
Wylde snorted. "Probably not in the black hole. Knowing you, probably AWAY from the black hole," she replied, flying slowly towards the portal.
"Wylde, don't treat him so—chotto matte!" Teena yelped, going from a standing start to a gentle trot, quickly catching up. "You could just EXPLAIN to him, you know! He's sensible!"
"But aibou, this is more fun!" Wylde said, giggling insanely.
"This is extremely uncomfortable," Kurama said, shifting a bit in the hitched-up shirt.
"Hmph," Wylde huffed, dropping down to dump Kurama in the snow.
"Kurama-san, that portal is your ticket home. After we fix your hair."
"If you go anywhere other than the hole, I'll catch you and we'll do this again," Wylde told him.
"Pardon? My hair?" Kurama asked, pulling a lock of hair around to check it. His eyes widened. "What happened to my hair? Mother will be furious!"
"Hence, why we want you through the portal."
"We'll fix it. I promise," Teena said, helping him to his feet.
"Let's just get out of the damn cold. Star-Eyed..." Wylde muttered.
The two agents and one displaced canon walked through the portal. A quick burst of teasing Kurama about his "close friendship" with Hiei distracted all three of them for the time it took to get down to FicPsych and drop Kurama off. A discussion of Kurama's reactions to the teasing shortened the trip back to the response center.
"Thank Ra and Inari both that we're out of there," Teena sighed. "Are they going to handle neuralyzing him and sending him back?"
"I'm sure they will. I think that he'll get along with some of the other patients until he's neuralyzed, too, so it shouldn't be too boring."
"Kurama paralyzed and totally helpless, and I didn't even get a kiss," Teena complained wistfully.
Wylde snorted, a faint curl of flame jetting out. "SO, remember? Anyway, let's get you something for that hand," Wylde said, nodding at Teena's badly burned hand.
Teena blinked and looked down at her hand. Until now, she'd either been too angry or too busy to notice, but now she was coming down, and it was starting to hurt. "Ow. When did that happen?"
"When the Possession!Sue made Seto a nice, kind, caring boyfriend."
"I guess I should get down to Medical," Teena said, a soft snarl escaping her at the memory of the Sue's infractions.
Wylde drifted towards the door, flicking her tail to indicate Teena should follow. "This form needs a checkup, too, just 'cause it's about that time. Let's go together, aibou."
Teena nodded and followed her partner, looking a little dazed. Now that she'd noticed she was hurt, it was kicking in. The two headed down the hall towards Medical, the ever-changing words of their distracting anime rant beginning.
"I swear! Their English voices SUCK! Kuwabara sounds like a friggin' gang-banger, for one thing!"
"English voices often do... owowow, itai-yo!"
"And Hiei! They didn't make his voice deep enough, and Kurama's is TOO deep! And Koenma sounds like an INFANT!"
"Wylde-chan? He IS an infant most of the time. Well, a toddler, anyway. Ack! HEY! I'm burned enough already, don't you dare flame me!"