Teena: *cheerfully* Wylde-chan and I have finally finished our first PPC! We went through the fic together on AIM, RPing our commentary and what we were doing, then I took that, took the fic, spliced, added stuff, and typed it up in story format. For those who don't know what a youko is, it's a Japanese fox spirit. For those who want to read the original evil, it's here.
Wylde: After Teena finished making it look nice and neat, I came in afterwards, added nice HTML, and made a page to put this and all following stories.
Somewhere in PPC HQ, a response center was empty of agents. This was not unusual; agents were often out on missions. This center was about to stop being empty of agents, as the grumbling voices of the pair assigned there drifted from the hall.
"Jusenkyo! I hate Jusenkyo. Stupid Sues! FANDOM Jusenkyo, at that! You can be ANYTHING in fandom Jusenkyo!"
A male silver youko in the uniform of the Mary Sue Department walked in, trailed by a small, Oriental-looking dragon. The dragon immediately started tumbling about with the mini-Balrog they had left behind, as a small, walking sakura tree approached the youko.
"I know! But at least I can play with Gadnalf and Grandelf since it happened. And we can both talk. That wouldn't have likely happened in the real Jusenkyo. But it isn't stylish not to be able to talk."
"Idiot Sue tried to upset the whole damn continuum... like we don't have enough to do. We need subdivisions, it's completely unfair that Sailor Moon is the only anime with a subdivision."
"Yeah, really. And the CROSSOVERS! It's terrible, Kit-kun."
"Not our department, thank Inari," Kit replied, idly patting the mini-Tree. "It's just crazy, it really is. Oh well, at least we aren't LotR agents."
"Yes, thank the Star-Eyed. But THEY don't have to worry about being splashed and then having someone try to card-capture you. Damn CCS-Sue... no such thing as a 'Flaming Dragon' card!"
"SAKURA is the one destined to recapture the Clow Cards, dammit," Kit growled. "Not even Syaoron can capture them, he can only use them!"
"And no, being the OTHER card-captor does NOT mean that Syaoron will fall desperately in love/lust with you and 'do naughty things at night'... not even OLD enough! Sicko."
"I know... I may like shotacon just a little, but there are limits, Wylde-chan," Kit whined softly.
Wylde, short for WyldeHorse, nodded. "Anyway, I'm all for bed. Unless you have any hot water, I'm sharing Gadnalf's fire-proof blanket."
"There's a kettle around here SOMEWHERE," Kit muttered, glancing around at the typical intense clutter caused by two otaku packrats living in one place.
"If you don't let me SLEEP, you will be a pile of MOLTEN SLAG," Wylde threatened, breathing little licks of flame in the general direction of the computer. The suddenly very silent computer. "There. A good threat always works."
"You know, you have to wonder if Makes-Things started adding self-preservation circuits to his toys."
"I'd better stay like this, or it'll beep as soon as I change."
"Probably," Kit agreed. With one last suspicious glance at the computer, he changed into a small multi-tailed fox and curled up to nap.
The two currently nonhuman agents woke up to a soft, questioning [beep-beep-beep?]
Wylde snorted a bit and cracked one eye open.
"'F I di'n know be'er, I'd thin' it soun's worr'd."
"How can a computer be worried?" Kit asked, opening his eyes.
"Dunno. S'Ma's-Thin's 'pu'er, who knows?"
"That's a good point," Kit replied. He got up and changed back to youko form, then headed over to the computer to press a few buttons. "Okay, what's your problem? ... Ick. Does ANYONE know how to properly characterize Kurama?"
"May'e i' knows wha' I'm li' inna mornin'. Ick?" Wylde crawled off the blanket and wobbled over to the console. "Urgh... col' wa'er? Too shor'..."
"I think you mean hot water," Kit replied, quickly digging out their little kettle on their equally little hot plate.
"Yeah. 'At," Wylde said. Turning bleary eyes in that direction and taking a deep breath, she prepared to heat up the water herself.
Wylde noticed the hot plate and carefully released the breath.
"Remember what the SO was like the LAST time you set fire to the response center?"
"Urk. 'Es. Nas'y."
Kit grabbed the kettle and poured water over Wylde, then dug a spare uniform out of the clutter and handed it to her. Wylde got dressed with a bit of sleepy fumbling, crawled back to the computer, and hauled herself up to look at the screen. Once the assignment registered, she stumbled over to the weapon rack.
"Try not to kill yourself, Wylde-chan," Kit told her as he poured water over himself. He immediately reverted to a human female with waist-length, braided hair that was almost black, and hazel eyes, wearing a uniform a little too big for her.
"Hai. Jus' gimme few minu's, Teena-chan."
In the five or ten minutes it took for her partner to finish waking up, Teena pulled several throwing knives off the rack, hiding them in various places about her person. While she was trying to decide what else to take, Wylde deemed herself able to hold a weapon without hurting herself, and picked up the whole lot. She promptly fell over, dropping the pile.
"Gwa. Too many."
"We can only kill her once, anyway," Teena pointed out, poking through the pile. "These weapons suck. Can I go youko and steal the Koma no Ken while we're there?"
"No. You'd get in trouble with Upstairs. Hmmm..." Wylde poked at a few weapons before settling on a heavy, metal-shod quarterstaff and a bladed fan. She cuddled briefly with the staff. "My Ironheart."
Teena picked up her favorite katana from the pile and belted it to her waist. "They never let us have any fun."
"So, ready to go? I claim Right of the Kill."
"Fine. I'll charge her. I guess we don't need disguises, since it mostly takes place in Ningenkai."
"Yeah," Wylde agreed, shoving the fan through her belt and strapping the staff to her back. "Just... let's try to avoid cold water while we're there. If the Sue sees our cursed forms, we're in for it. Heck, my cursed form isn't even canonical! They'll see my cursed form for sure."
"You're lucky. They won't know what to do with you. If the Sue points out MY cursed form to the canonicals, it'll be 'There's an unfamiliar youko in Ningenkai! Kill it!'"
Teena punched a few buttons to open the portal and grabbed the remote activator.
"Me, they'd probably just try to take to the Reikai to show Koenma. Well, if I'm not causing trouble, they would actually probably leave me alone, unless they're REALLY OOC," Wylde commented.
"They ARE, from what I read."
"True," Wylde answered, grabbing a couple of bottles of Bleepka to shove in her pack. "You first, I went first last time."
"It's not MY fault the portal opened over a stream," Teena muttered, grabbing her backpack and hopping through the portal.
Wylde jumped through after her, then pulled a pair of rain ponchos out of her backpack, handing one to her partner. "Looks like it might rain," she explained, putting hers on.
"I'd say you're paranoid, but Jusenkyo curses are a cold water magnet," Teena replied, putting the poncho on.
"I am paranoid. Just because I'm paranoid, that doesn't mean they aren't out to get me. Get me WET, that is."
"Yeah, yeah..." Teena muttered, shutting her eyes to check the Words. "Ow... you call those paragraphs?"
"No, I don't. First charge for the list," Wylde said, offering Bleepka to Teena. She knew her partner was a heavy drinker when in pain, and Sue-fics caused her plenty of pain. "It'll probably get worse."
"Not yet," Teena refused reluctantly. "We don't want to forget the charges. We'll drink the trauma away after the mission."
"Fine, fine," Wylde said, putting the bottle away.
"You just DON'T smash people's lines together like that. You SEPERATE them," Teena muttered, shaking her head in dismay.
"I love modern-day timelines," Wylde said, digging out a PalmPilot and starting the charge list.
Teena nodded agreement and pointed. "I think the mall's that way, that's where they're heading."
The two agents hurried to the mall. They made it to the Steve Madden just in time to catch Botan urging the Sue, Breezy, into a pair of shoes with three-inch heels.
"I'm sorry Botan but I'm not exactly the most graceful person in the world." To prove her point she took the shoes put them on and walked about three steps before she tripped and fell.
"ARGH! COMMAS! They go in sentences! Use them!" Wylde ranted angrily.
Teena was busy scowling at the Sue. "Excuse me? The mission said she was going to be a Tantei, and she can't even walk in THREE-INCH HEELS?"
"Teena, put omitting commas on the charge list!"
"Cruelty to the common comma, check. And don't scream; do you want the canonicals to notice you?"
"No, sorry," Wylde said sheepishly. Then both agents winced as the parenthetical author's note hit them.
(I'm exactly like that. That's why I hate going shopping with my sister) .
"Was that author's note really necessary?" Teena complained, squeegeeing her ear out.
"No. Hmmm..." Wylde pointed the Character Analysis Device at Breezy.
[Breanna, a.k.a Breezy: NONCANON Status: MARY SUE!!]
"Ow. Thank the Star-Eyed that's not verbal. If it was it'd be screaming."
"Turned the sound off, huh?"
"Yep. Forgot my earmuffs this morning," Wylde agreed as they followed the characters to "foot locker." Wylde added misuse of capitalization to the charge list huffily.
"And we don't want to attract the canonicals' attention. I'm sure we BOTH remember the Inu-Yasha debacle."
"Oi. Thank the Star-Eyed for the stream that was behind us. Sesshoumaru is much less likely to kill a demon and a dragon than a pair of humans," Wylde replied with a faint shudder as they made their way to the "Pac sun" behind the Tantei group and the Sue.
"Totally forgetting that he was 'in love with' a human at the time," Teena snorted. "I hate Sues who try to reform perfectly good villains. Especially when they're so inconsistent about it."
Despite the conversation, Wylde was still watching the Words as Breezy picked out new clothes. "Gerk. Add sentence fragments to the charge list."
Teena added the new charge to the list on their linked PalmPilots. "I can't even LOOK at the Words right now, it's too painful."
"I'm forcing myself to, but I'll need the Bleepka when we get back. I'm almost relieved that the next term at OFCoV starts soon."
"Are we even sure some of these stores EXIST in Japan?"
"Some of them I don't recognize. Besides, even if they are, how likely is it that they have American brand-name stores in JAPAN?" Wylde said, then scanned ahead. "I mean, later on, they go to Victoria's Secret, which is definitely real but also definitely American."
"No, they go to Victoria Secret," Teena corrected with a derisive snort. "Which doesn't exist anywhere."
"Ah, yes, my mistake," Wylde admitted, double-checking. "Geographical aberrations, then."
"Yeah..." Teena agreed, watching the group they were trailing enter a Chinese restaurant. Yusuke and "Kuwubara" quickly got into a food fight. Teena groaned and added creation of a mini to the charge list.
Botan smacked them the so hard with her oar it looked like she gave them a concussion.
"Gah! Botan does NOT smack teammates with her oar!" Wylde protested.
Teena blinked at her. "Yes, she does."
"Not that I've seen. Not that I REMEMBER."
"I KNOW she's hit Yusuke."
"Maybe, but certainly not in public; people might see her and wonder why she has an oar. ... Although she CAN be a bit ditzy," Wylde conceded, pulling out the CAD and pointing it at Botan.
[Botan: CANON CHARACTER Status: 22.53% OOC]
"Not TOO bad, I suppose, considering some we've seen. I can't get that one image of Hiei out of my head..."
"Stop reading ahead, Wylde-chan," Teena chided.
"Not from this fic, from the one a while back. The one hundred percent OOC character rupture. Don't tell me you've forgotten it. Not even three bottles of Bleepka could get THAT out of my mind."
"Oh, THAT one. Gentle, huggy Hiei. I remember it, the CAD declared Hiei an OC, and broke down when you pointed it at Kurama."
"Which is why I now have three extra. Bashing Hiei for being too soft? Dear Star-Eyed."
"Oh, jeez, look at that," Teena told her partner, laughing. The group was approaching a woman, who turned into a store. "Victoria Secret, I'm guessing..."
Breezy just shook he head and sighed.
Wylde blinked as the Sue briefly turned into a Stu due to the missing r. "I wonder if that hurts, or if it's like a Jusenkyo curse?"
"I have no idea."
"That would be a spelling error, I do believe."
Botan refused to let the boys go in the store so she ushered them into the video game store across the store.
The two agents felt a bit squeezed when the entire mall turned into a store for a short time. Luckily, it didn't last long, and they were free to follow when the shopping was finished.
"Ah, jeez, they're heading back to Genkai's now. Can we portal? I REALLY hate those stairs," Teena said with a pleading look.
"Sure," Wylde replied. "I do, too, when I'm not in my cursed form. Then I can just fly over them."
"Lucky," Teena muttered, pushing buttons on the remote activator. The portal opened up, and they both stepped through into Genkai's temple.
"Oh, Enma-sama. Does Genkai even HAVE a couch, Wylde-chan?"
"No. She has a low table and cushions."
"I didn't think so."
"If she has a couch, it isn't ever shown in the anime."
"The poor, poor canon..." Teena mourned quietly.
Breezy sighed picked up all the bags and tried to head upstairs. Failing miserably she put two bags on each arm, one on her head, and two of them she was kicking. Shaking a bit she finally made it upstairs without tripping.
"She falls in three-inch heels, but she can kick bags up steps?" Teena asked skeptically. "Has the author ever TRIED to kick bags up steps?"
"Looks like it's just putting clothes away for a couple of hours, then going to sleep," Wylde said, skimming the Words.
Teena sighed and pulled out her portable CD player, slipping the headphones on and putting Queen's Greatest Hits in. Wylde grabbed a manga out of her own pack and started reading. They were both eventually jolted out of their pursuits by a loud scream. They'd been expecting that. They weren't expecting what happened next.
The world twisted around them, and they were dumped in front of Sarayashiki Junior High with a loud thump and very severe headaches.
"Owwww, my head! This is NOT a normal chapter shift! What just happened?"
"Gah, I don't know! Aspirin, I need aspirin," Wylde moaned. She quickly dug through her backpack, pulled out a double-dose, and swallowed it dry.
Teena rubbed her temples and checked the Words, trying to figure out what the hell just happened. "Wait, chapter one? Weren't we just IN chapter one?"
"Um, apparently not," Wylde replied, holding out the bottle of aspirin. "Want some?"
"Hai!" Teena said, grabbing the bottle and taking some.
"Creation of a mini, that should go on the charge list."
"Another one? Oh. I think 'Kayko' might be considered a valid alternate spelling."
"Well, maybe. But it should be spelled 'Keiko'."
"Oh, Enma-sama," Teena groaned, skimming ahead a bit. "The bitch screwed up the chapters while posting. We were just in chapter two."
"That means the time shift to chapter three will be even worse."
"It also means we can't kill her in this chapter, because then she wouldn't have existed in the OTHER chapter, and we were just there."
"The toddler can't handle anything himself!" right when he said that Botan's oar landed on his head. Leaving Yusuke unconscious. "Anyway lets get going" Botan said in her cheery voice again. She started marching out the door proudly. "Is it me or does she have mood swings?" Kuwubara whispered to Yusuke.
"No, Botan does NOT have mood swings, normally," Wylde growled quietly.
Teena patted her on the shoulder and opened a portal to Reikai.
Koenma began to speak, "Your mission today is going to the Makai prison and retreving your newest member of the team!" Everybody face faulted on the floor. For the exception of Hiei because he liked to keep his emotions to himself.
"Facefaulting isn't something that happens a lot in YYH," Wylde commented, pulling out the CAD and pointing it at each character in turn. "Unfortunately, it probably doesn't count as uncanonical."
"Yeah, after all, it COULD happen."
"Hmmm... Koenma seems alright, not much OOC for him, other than assigning a new person to the Tantei. Hiei is holding pretty steady, too. Everyone else's has raised a bit, though. I can understand that, they probably wouldn't facefault at the idea of getting a new teammate, even if it IS from the prison."
"I really can't see Kurama facefaulting, period. He has too much dignity for that."
"Actually, I do believe that you're right."
"Oh yes and I forgot to tell you she's a girl!" Everybody face faulted again. "Even Worse" they screamed.
"Somehow I doubt they'd have much problem with a female teammate," Wylde said, trying the CAD again. "Ouch, this is starting to get hot."
Wylde pulled a pair of oven mitts out of her backpack and put them on before pointing the CAD at the canonicals again. She didn't look too happy at the readouts.
"So, who exactly is 'Everybody'?" Wylde asked. "And misplaced capitalization must go on the charge list."
"Hold on, if Hiei didn't facefault in the FIRST place, he can't possibly be facefaulting 'again', so it's NOT everybody," Teena pointed out. One of her bigger flaws as an agent was trying to be logical where logic had no sway.
"Yep. So, 'confusing passages' added to the charge list?"
Wylde started reading ahead in the Words, and began to twitch.
Teena rolled her eyes at her partner. "What is it this time? And stop reading ahead, just pay attention to the bits that are currently happening."
"'M not reading that far ahead. Here it comes."
When Yusuked and Kuwubara woke up Koenma announced that he would have to go with them because they wouldn't just let anybody waltz into the prison. "But I am the great prince of spirit world!" he yelled in a heroic voice. They all sweatdropped every single of them new that Koenma fought like a girl and would never stand a chance.
"Yusuked? Who the hell is Yusuked? Another mini for the charge list..."
"First, why the hell did Koenma say that? Nobody said anything to bring that on," Wylde complained. "He doesn't YELL unless something is really wrong, like in the beginning of the movie. And helloooo, someone obviously hasn't seen the whole series. Koenma kicks major ass!"
"Isn't there a certain minimum power level required to be a god? I mean, sure he ACTS like a total cowardly wienie a lot, but like I just said, minimum power level to be a god."
"He's not as good as the Tanteióhell, that's why he's using themóbut he does NOT fight like a girl!"
"I'd love to see someone try to tell Keiko that fighting like a girl is bad."
"Unless it's a girl like Lina Inverse or A-ko or Lucrecia Noin, but I somehow doubt that's what the author meant," Wylde added, putting "run-on sentences" on the charge list.
"Ah, the minis have settled into their blobs," Wylde noted, scooping them up quickly. "I'm sure they'll like their little section of Companion's Field while they wait for a University."
"Nice little evil Amorphous Mini," Teena said, patting Yusuked. Then her attention was yanked back to what was going on nearby.
Unfortunately for Hiei he was stading right next to them so he got the oar on the head instead. "Baka fery girl!" he screamed "I should just control you with my jagan eye!" Botan just turned into a cat and meowed. Kurama told Hiei to calm down. Botan mouthed a thank you to him.
"Botan... just hit Hiei with her oar... and got away with it," Teena informed Wylde, a faint twitch evident.
Wylde twitched some herself, then pointed the CAD at Hiei after making sure her oven mitts were safely on.
[Hiei: CANON CHARACTER Status: 89.24% OOC CHARACTER RUPTURE!!]
[Botan: CANON/NONCANON/CANON NEED NEW THERMOSTAT!]
"It broke," Teena said, wincing.
"Shit!" Wylde cursed, pulling out a new CAD and wrapping the broken one before putting it away.
Teena sighed and pulled out her Canon Analysis Device, muting the sound and turning it on.
[CANON DISTORTION: 48% MINIMUM, UNCERTAIN TIMELINE]
"The simple act of adding a new Tantei distorts things A LOT. Looks like it can't get a truly accurate reading because there's no indication of where we are in the timeline."
"Damnit. So, what do we do with Botan? We'll need to take her in to the psychologist."
"No, Botan will be fine once we take out the Sue," Teena disagreed, stowing her CAD in her backpack.
"I still think we should take her in, just in case. I mean, this is BAD. She's warped so often, too. Poor girl."
"No. I've seen what's happened when OTHER agents brought canonicals in out of pity."
"Major reprimand. Canonicals only come in when they need to be brought back to life or something."
"No, I've seen some that have REALLY needed the psychologist. That's why they have the section to treat canon characters."
"Yeah, but I'll bet they weren't from Sue-fics."
"Well, you do have a point. At least, not pure Sue-fics. Some Sue-crossovers, though."
"When the Sue is dead, Botan and all the others will snap back to normal," Teena told her, pulling out the remote activator and opening a portal. "They won't even remember this, because it won't have happened."
"I hope you're right. If she's still looking out of it afterwards, though, she comes back with us."
"Fine, deal," Teena conceded, rolling her eyes.
The partners stepped through the portal to the Makai prison.
They all walked in to see a girl with black with natural red streaks in it. She had chains all over her body. Most of her clothes were ripped from all the beatings she had gotten. They released the chains that kept her to the wall, but she still had them on her hands and her feet. Kurama could sense a magic spell on the chains. The guards walked her outside. Everybody was completely silent. They watched as they whipped her every time she walked to slow. Her eyes showed no emotion. Just orange orbs staring into nothing.
"While I can't say that she doesn't deserve it for being a Sue, I don't think that the Reikai works that way," Wylde observed, watching the whipping with vague interest.
"Harder, harder!" Teena called, pumping her fist energetically. "... Huh? What'd you say?"
"That I don't think that this is something the Reikai usually does!"
"Oh. Probably not. What's that thing she's holding?" Teena asked curiously. Then she checked the Words and started laughing. "Oh. That would be a black with natural red streaks. I think you mean black HAIR, bakayaro."
"Shouldn't that hair be on her head, not in her hands?"
"It's NOT hair, that's the point, it's just a black with natural red streaks. She left out the word 'hair'. It's kinda cuddly. Can we take it with us?"
"Sure. Can I take the orbs? She already has eyes, so what does she need the orbs for? We can put them on the wall!"
"Right," Teena said. She waited until the Sue was distracted, then slipped up next to her to snag the orange orbs and the black. Hurrying back to her partner, she handed over the orbs, cuddling the black with natural red streaks. "It's cute!"
"Cool! Yay! Orbs! I can put these up next to the blue-yellow orbs from that kitsune a while back."
"Better idea, how about you take the blue-yellow ones DOWN. It hurts my eyes to watch them try to be blue-yellow instead of green," Teena suggested, opening a portal back to Reikai, or rather 'spirit world', as this fic called it. Only to open yet another portal back to Genkai's, as the group left immediately.
When they stopped, Wylde shoved the orbs into her backpack.
"Stay at Genkai's house... Genkai doesn't live in a house, she lives in a temple," Teena muttered, scowling.
"Geographical aberration, then. I'll tell you what, we'll get a screen or a box or something on the wall to put our orbs in, okay? The ones too painful to look at, that is."
"Why do you insist on collecting the things?" Teena asked, then wobbled, dizzy. "Oh, flashback, I hate flashbacks..."
"Gwa. Shit, what a crappy flashback."
They both winced as they were jolted sharply to one side.
"Oh, great, and now a focus jump."
She hadn't lied on a bed for 15 years. They trapped her in that wretched prison for 15 years for a crime she didn't commit. Her own sister framed her. But she was finally able to get out because they had a trial.
"How do you 'lied' on a bed?" Wylde asked, annoyed. "You 'have lied' to a person, as in, you have told an untruth, or you 'have lain' in a bed."
"I think it's 'laid' in this case. I dunno, you're the future English teacher."
"Well, yes, you're probably right."
"Either way, she got it wrong."
"Yep," Wylde agreed, pulling out the aspirin and taking some to prepare for the chapter shift in the near future. "Buffer up?"
"Ugh, oh boohoo, the poor little Sue, her sister framed her. And it took fifteen years for her to get a trial? Add 'perverting the Reikai justice system' to the charge list."
"Crazy. Just... insane. Last chance to buffer up."
Teena took some of the aspirin and closed her eyes. Wylde closed up the bottle and braced herself. The chapter shift came, carrying them along for the ride as the fic skipped over the misplaced second chapter and dumped them into the third.
"Uuurrrghhh... oh, that hurt," Teena groaned, one hand flat on her stomach.
Wylde didn't look in much better shape. "Itaiiii... Better with the aspirin, though."
Yusuke, Kuwubara, and Kurama all ran in at the same time.
"Oh, no, look at that," Teena grumbled, pointing to the three Tantei stuck in the door from trying to run in at the exact same time. "It's like a Three Stooges bit."
"Quick, take a picture! We can hang it on the wall!"
"No. I refuse to snapshot my darling Kurama in such a horrible state."
"Point. We can start a 'Why Sues should die' album, though, and put that in it."
"True," Teena conceded, taking the picture.
Wylde, unfortunately, happened to look out the window while examining their new state of affairs.
Hiei who was sleeping on a tree fell off and muttered "Baka fairy onna" he used his speed to get to the room faster.
"Um. I'm not EVEN going to point the CAD at him now. Not at all. We've already broken one."
Teena blinked as Botan sprouted wings, then checked the Words and groaned. "Enma-sama save us, 'fairy onna'. Is 'ferry' REALLY so hard to spell?"
"It must be. Want a picture of Fairy Botan for the album?"
"Sure," Teena replied, snapping a picture.
"She is kind of pretty like that, though."
"It's not a bad look for her actually, but... oi, is Botan afraid of spiders?"
"Not that I know of."
"I mean, she dealt well enough with the Makai insects back in the beginning."
"Again, I'm not pointing the CAD at her. She broke it last time, and she's just getting worse."
Apparently Breezy had turned into a wolf demon and her tail was hanging out.
"A wolf demon," Teena said flatly. "She's a wolf demon. And a member of her family betrayed her? Not bloody likely! Wolves are pack animals, they have no concept of betrayal!"
"Methinks that someone is mightily confused."
"Why did we take this job?" Teena whined quietly.
"To keep the canon characters safe and healthy, of course," Wylde replied. "Tell you what, if we ever get an X assignment, you can make the author attend OFUX."
Botan gave them a glare that could freeze hell over and raised her oar.
"Glaring. Botan is glaring. Since when does Botan glare?"
"She doesn't. She is a kind, sweet ferry girl," Wylde said, annoyed. "But I'm beginning to think this isn't Botan at all."
"Yeah, it was flipping between canon and non-canon before it broke."
"If this keeps up after we take out the Sue, she goes back with us."
"It WON'T. Don't you ever read the mission reports from other agents?"
"Yes, I have. But if this is not, in fact, Botan, then it will not get better."
"It will fix itself. I've seen reports where canonicals were so OOC the CAD thought they were non-canon. It fixed itself," Teena said, mildly exasperated.
Rubbing her tail she stood up muttering something walked outside and jumped on the tree that Hiei usually slept on. "Hey!" Hiei yelled in protest.
"Hiei doesn't yell, stupid Sue," Teena muttered, plugging her ears. "Not at something like that, anyway."
"Owie. That is so not right."
"You wanna play War while they're sleeping?" Teena asked, grabbing a deck of cards out of her backpack.
"Sure. High or low?"
The two played War for the rest of the night, waiting for the characters to wake up. They tended not to sleep on missions that took less than three days.
"Ha! I win again! That makes ten times now!"
"That's it, we're playing Gin Rummy next time," Teena declared. "Oi, they're waking up."
Kurama woke up hearing somebody in the bathroom. Botan was standing outside the door opening it a bit and then shutting it again handing different clothes in. He arched an eyebrow. "Botan, what are you doing" Botan turned around "Good morning Kurama-kun! I'm helping Breezy chose her outfit today!"
"So, how can you help someone choose an outfit when you aren't in the same room, only handing in clothing?"
"Haven't a clue," Teena replied with a shrug.
Breezy was wearing her black cargo pants with a tight red shirt. All the guys were staring at her chest.
"Kurama and Hiei would NOT be staring at her chest," Teena snapped, twitching.
Wylde patted her shoulder gently.
"Who's making breakfast" Kuwubara asked again. "I will" Breezy volunteered. Botan sighed " Those chains ruin that whole outfit." Breezy shrugged. She didn't really care about how she looked, and she didn't really care about what other people thought about her. She walked to the kitchen and without turning around replied " Breakfast ready in 15 minutes."
"Okay. They're going to let her make breakfast, when they don't entirely TRUST her? How damn stupid IS that?"
"Incredibly so," Teena replied. "I STILL want to know why Kurama and Hiei were staring at her chest. Kurama's too polite, and Hiei wouldn't be interested."
"If you ask me, Hiei and Kurama would be staring at each other."
"Well, yes, same here, but not everyone is a yaoi fan."
"Unfortunately. But it's practically canon, anyway," Wylde said absently, scowling at the Sue. "She doesn't care how she looks, but she just tried on all her new clothes and picked out an outfit. Perfect sense. Yup. I so hate preppy bitches."
"I dunno, black, red, and chains? Seems like more of a punk bitch. Admittedly, she didn't want the chains."
"Even so, I think she's a prep. She took who-knows-how-much time to choose her clothes, which, by the way, she doesn't care about... sure. She's a damn prep in my book."
Teena patted her partner sympathetically.
"Always looking down their perfect prim noses just 'cause I don't give a shit about popular bitches..." Wylde muttered snidely, rather obviously pissed off.
"Wylde-chan? Breathe," Teena ordered firmly. Wylde breathed in and out several times until she calmed down a bit.
Hiei who had didn't show up for breakfast watched Breezy dip her feet in the pond. (I honestly don't know if Genkai has a pond in her backyard) She sighed and stared at her chains.
"'Had didn't show up'?!" Teena yelped in horror.
Wylde winced. "That goes on the charge list for grammar. I get the charge list next time, by the way."
"Go right ahead. Pond?! BACKYARD?!"
"It's a forest," Wylde said flatly. "Full of youkai. And she's dabbling her feet in a pond. If there's a pond out there, it's no doubt full of water youkai."
"Genkai HAS no backyard."
"Well, she does, sorta, it's just a very dangerous forest."
"That's not a backyard. Creating geography for no good reason."
"Yep. And the pond, but that probably goes under geography."
"Yes. Oh, look, Hiei's reading her mind. Because he always does that randomly with no good reason, of course," Teena commented, sarcasm thick in every word.
"He's a bit more polite than that. Besides, I don't think he actually CAN read people's thoughts with the Jagan."
"Polite isn't the word. Hiei has an honor code."
"He can see things with it. He can FIND things with it. He can't read minds. MAYBE read intention, but even if he can, that's the absolute limit."
"I don't know, if he can control minds, he can probably read them."
"Well, point, but it never directly SAYS," Wylde admitted. "He never, in the entire series, reads someone's mind."
"True. But we can't really charge her for that because it's open to interpretation."
"Damn. Shit, chapter shift, watch out," Wylde warned, bracing herself. Teena groaned and shut her eyes. Chapter shifts made her nauseous at the best of times.
"Ow," Wylde commented. "Jump over indeterminate length of time. Owwies. But at least she's finally using better paragraphs. No more scrunched-up chapters. Thank the Star- Eyed for that, at least."
"Too MANY paragraphs. Some of that could be legitimately put together."
"Yes, but it's slightly easier than having it all scrunched up."
"For the last time Hiei I want you to get a bathing suit."
"What the hell is that?"
"Hiei doesn't know what a bathing suit it," Wylde said with evident disbelief.
Kurama face faulted
"You don't know what a bathing suit is?" He burst into laughter
Hiei glared at the fox who was now on the ground rolling around laughing.
"Kurama facefaulted. And rolled around on the ground laughing," Teena added with equal disbelief.
"Admittedly, Hiei might not know what a bathing suit is. However, it is highly doubtful. But, again, open to interpretation, right? But... Kurama would NOT react like that."
"I know," Teena moaned quietly.
"He would be helpful and explain, in a nice manner, what a bathing suit is."
"Precisely. Check Kurama."
Wylde put on her oven mitts again and pointed her CAD at Kurama.
[Minamino Shuuichi, a.k.a. Youko Kurama: CANON CHARACTER Status: 95.52% OOC CHARACTER RUPTURE!! BZZZZT!]
"Well, it's not DEAD... just sizzling. That would really get Makes-Things on our backs, killing TWO on one assignment."
"Yeah. Poor Kurama."
"Hmm... I'm going to make a guess and say that Botan might be going down a bit, though."
"Shut up baka kitsune. I'm not a nigen like you"
"Nigen? What's a nigen? Ningen!" Teena growled. Wylde's obsession with good English was nearly equaled by Teena's rage at the improper use and spelling of Japanese. She was of the firm opinion that if you couldn't be bothered to study the language at least a bit, you shouldn't be using it.
Kurama stopped. He got an offended look on his face.
Sighing again he took Hiei's hand and walked into the living room.
"Ok Botan!" we need to take Breezy and Hiei swimming suit shopping!
"Hooray!!" Botan jumped up and grabbed Breezy
"No, I take that back. She's rising again," Wylde said disgustedly. "'Hooray!' Over bathing suits."
"Save us, Enma-sama..."
"Oh, Star-Eyed, Warrior of the South Wind, help us fight this badfic! Crone of the cold North, show this Sue the cold of death!" Wylde prayed fervently. Unlike Teena, who would switch gods according to continuum and whim, Wylde stayed firmly with the religion of the Shin'a'in from the Valdemar continuum.
"You've been spending too much time in Valdemar."
"No such thing. And besides, the Shin'a'in have a damn good thing with their religion."
"Whatever," Teena muttered, dialing up a portal to the mall and stepping through.
Wylde shrugged and followed.
Botan ran to some racks and grabbed some swimming trunks. Shoved them into Hiei's arms and pointed to the dressing room.
"Go change in there. And come out every time you try a new one on."
"Argh! Botan is bossing Hiei!"
"First, Botan only ever bosses Yuusuke and sometimes Kuwabara. And Hiei would not LET her boss him," Wylde pointed out.
"She's scared of Hiei!"
"Not really. A bit iffy, but not actually scared."
"Huh? She was in the early episodes."
"In the early episodes, he was barely anything but an enemy. Even close to the middle, she's not that scared of him. He's proven himself trustworthy."
"I've only seen up to the Dark Tournament so far."
"Ah. I've seen more than you. Well, that's why there's two of us. We each have our own areas of expertise."
Turns out Hiei didn't know how to use the lock on the dressing room door and got himself locked in there for an hour. They had to call a lock-smith to get him out.
"Oh, Enma-sama, Hiei's LOCKED IN?!!"
"Ok. 'Making Hiei dumber than Gourry' goes on the charge list," Wylde declared.
Teena nodded agreement. "Definitely. Oh no... no. Look at how he's supposed to be wearing the suit."
Turns out Hiei didn't know how to put trunks on either.
He still had all his clothes on. The trunks were around his waste looking like underwear.
"Yep. Definitely 'dumber than Gourry'," Wylde said. They were screening the Words to get the actual meaning of things, the reality itself was warped by a misspelling so that the trunks were around a pile of trash with a fully dressed Hiei next to it.
"And Kurama's rolling around laughing again!"
"Damnit! I am NOT checking them! Well, not Kurama, anyway."
"Look, let's just grab the bitch while they're all busy laughing at poor Hiei," Teena suggested disgustedly.
"Good. Sounds good. She's still got the chains on, so she can't fight. I've got rope."
"Good. I have chloroform."
"You chloroform, I'll hog-tie?"
"Yep," Teena agreed, pulling out the small bottle and a rag. She quickly soaked the cloth and slipped up behind the Sue, clamping it over her nose and mouth.
Breezy tried to fight back, but the chains hampered her enough that she couldn't get loose before the chloroform took effect and knocked her out. Her attempts to scream were muffled by the cloth, and drowned out by the laughter of the Tantei.
"Good job, let's tie her."
"In a minute, let's get her safely outside first," Teena suggested.
Wylde nodded and grabbed her legs as Teena hooked her hands under Breezy's arms. Together, they managed to haul the Sue out of the mall.
"Here, or in the woods?" Wylde asked, grabbing the rope and starting to tie her up.
"Do we really want to carry her that far?"
"Point. Wake the bint up."
Teena nodded and slapped Breezy a few times, probably a bit harder than was strictly necessary. Not that anyone would care. Sues deserved it, and she'd be dead soon anyway.
"Oi, Breanna, wake up!" Wylde said sharply.
Teena slapped her a few more times. "Wakey wakey, bitch!"
Breezy stirred and moaned as Wylde kicked her in the ribs, then started to struggle. Wylde kicked her one more time for good measure.
"Who and what are the Protectors of the Plot Continuum, Breanna."
"Anime Division," Teena added.
"Department of Mary Sues. And you're a Mary Sue."
"I don't know what you're talking about. How do you know my name?!"
"We read the Words. And you don't have to know what we're talking about. You just have to listen."
"Time to charge her?" Teena asked eagerly.
Wylde nodded. "Yep. Have fun."
"Breezy, a.k.a. Breanna Sue, you are charged with crimes against punctuation, a total inability to spelló"
"Hey, Teena, you forgetting something?"
"I wasn't finished yet. I haven't even gotten to the OOCness yet."
"Like, say, that she has committed the acts of cruelty to the common comma, sentence fragments, run-on sentences, not separating paragraphs, confusing passages, misplaced capitalization, misplaced quotation marks, and leaving out apostrophes? Just be happy I'm not quoting all the mistakes this uneducated vagrant has made."
"You're obsessed, you know that?" Teena asked with a resigned sigh. "We go through this every time..."
"So sue me. I don't get to quote their abuses to the English language, so I should at LEAST be able to make sure that they know the crimes against the language they have committed. I still say that you're going easy on that, too."
"Well, excuse me, I've always been more worried about the poor characters than the punctuation," Teena huffed.
"Hey, I worry about the characters, too! You know that! Is it my fault that my first love is the English language?"
"Hey, what are you people doing?! Are you nuts or something? What are you talking about?!!" Breezy yelled, struggling in her ropes. She tried to shift to her demon form, but Wylde brought her Ironheart down hard on the wolf-Sue's head, dazing her.
"Shut up, bitch. You turned Kurama into an insensitive twit," Teena snapped.
"Aaaaanyway, we need to finish charging this unmentionable piece of excrement."
"Yeah. Anyway, what she said about the punctuation, you heard her. Repeated and also INCONSISTENT misspellings of the word 'ferry', perverting the Reikai system of justice, causing OOCness in the characters of just about everybody, INCLUDING Kurama, you little bitch..."
"And Botan. She's cool. Not to mention saying Koenma fights like a girl! Obviously SOMEONE hasn't seen the series," Wylde injected, nudging Breezy with her quarterstaff.
"Not to mention poor Hiei was acting like a fucking moron."
"He's actually rather sharp. Somehow I think he knows what a bathing suit is."
"HOW did you manage, by the way, to have him be BOTH more short-tempered AND less dangerous at the same time?"
"Not to mention dumber than Gourry?"
"I SAID she made him dumb already."
"Yes, you did. Sorry."
"I don't know what you people are talking about!!"
"Of course, they ALL say that before they're killed."
"Also, being a character created solely for the purpose of being a Tantei, having a truly STUPID nickname... Breezy, honestly," Teena snorted.
"How the hell do you get Breezy from Breanna, anyway?"
"My family gave it to me!!"
"You don't HAVE a family, Sue, except in your own fucked up little mind."
"And can't forget using a variant on an agent's real name," Wylde added quickly.
"That's not TECHNICALLY in the rulebook for charges, but we'll add it anyway."
"Someday we'll find a Teena-variant, I'm sure of it. Then you'll understand how I feel."
"Was I arguing with you? No. Also, being a total klutz, but STILL somehow good enough to be a Tantei. Really, what kind of person can't walk in three-inch heels?"
"And was it her that made Hiei fall out of a tree, or someone else? I always get my Sues mixed up."
"Yeah, that was her, let's add that. Making Hiei fall out of a tree because of a SCREAM; yeah, right."
"He only ever fell out of a tree ONCE, and that was when Botan used the Spirit Whistle. I mean, really."
"Hello? Hiei has mad youkai skillz. A scream does not startle him, chippy."
"Hiei can fall asleep in a tree and not fall out," Wylde informed the Sue sharply. "He does not just fall out of trees for no good reason. And a scream is NOT a good reason."
"It was Botan who screamed!" Breezy protested, squirming in the ropes.
"Oh, shut UP," Teena said disgustedly.
"It would draw his attention, and he would JUMP out of the tree. He would not FALL out of the tree."
"Moving on... creating geography for no good reason, said geography being a backyard with a pond at Genkai's temple. It's all mountains and forest there, you stupid bitch!"
"Dangerous mountains and forest, none the less."
"Helloooo, filled with youkai? Remember that? It's in the very beginning of the series!"
"Let's see," Teena muttered, scrolling through the PalmPilot charge listing. "Ah yes, fucking up the chapter order and not bothering to fix it, even though your author avatar KNEW it was screwed, and I would like to tell you, that damn fucked up time jump gave me a HELL of a headache."
"I almost fell in a puddle!" Wylde complained, then an evil grin lit her face as she got an Idea. "I'll save that for later."
"Chest and nuts roasting on an open fire," Teena sang softly, snickering. "Ne, ryu-chan?"
"Hai! Heeeee," Wylde replied, starting to giggle insanely.
"You people are crazy!!" Breezy shouted, thrashing.
Teena just smirked at her coldly. "Totally. It's all part of the job."
Wylde progressed from insane giggling to evil maniacal laughter.
"You are also charged with pointless insertion of author's notes, creating minis, and finally, most importantly, royally and repeatedly pissing off the agents," Teena said, turning off the PalmPilot with a decisive click.
"Now you get to die," Wylde said happily. "Hand me the thermos, would you?"
"Really, mine would fit in better here, but you called dibs, so..." Teena poked around in her backpack and pulled out a blue thermos, dumping some of the cold water inside on her partner. Wylde immediately turned into the small red dragon, crawling out of her uniform to hover in the air.
Breezy laughed. "You're tiny!"
"The body may be tiny, but the flame is just as hot, Sue," Wylde said, with the draconic version of an evil grin.
"Just cremate the bitch and get it over with, already."
"Sure," Wylde replied, taking a deep breath and blowing out flames to engulf the Sue.
Burning to death is a slow and painful process, and the Sue screamed quite a bit. But they'd brought her far enough from the mall that she couldn't be heard. Eventually, all that was left of Breezy was a small pile of ash, which Teena scattered and scuffed into the dirt with a foot.
"There. No sign of her," Teena declared, smiling as canon snapped back into place.
"Got any hot water on you?"
Teena dug out a red thermos and a camera from her backpack, quickly dumping hot water over her partner, then handing her the crumpled uniform. She waved the camera while Wylde got dressed.
"So... if Hiei's not in his tree, I bet we can get some great shots of Kurama changing through the window."
"Ooooh, sounds good! And maybe Hiei will be in Kurama's room, who knows?"
"Go youko, go youko, go!" Teena said, giggling cheerfully.
"Heh. Hiei is a lucky youkai. If they're together, that is. It's never really specified in the series, but the hints... oh, the HINTS!"
"Yep. Damn ambiguous canons."
The partners dashed off to bishounen-watch, chattering happily about their mutual favorite character, the yummy ningen-youko. There were two things that kept them in harmony instead of fighting over him. One was the simple fact that Wylde liked his ningen form better, while Teena preferred the youko. The other was that they were both yaoi fans, and would rather see Kurama with Hiei than any girl, up to and including themselves.
A couple of busy hours later, two very happy agents walked through the portal back into their response center. Response Center #1999, incidentally. Teena, who was very much an X fan, had laughed herself silly when she heard the number of their assigned center, and had scrawled "CLAMP Central" under the number with a marker. At the moment, though, Teena was hugging her camera happily.
"I need to get my pictures of half-naked Kurama developed!"
"Heeee... we can put them on the wall with all the others!" Wylde told her, looking over at a single wall half-covered with pictures of various anime characters. While Teena opened up her camera to get the film out, Wylde headed for their small bathroom to take a much-anticipated shower.
"Don't use up all the hot water!" Teena yelled after her. "If I have to take a cold one, I'll feed you to my tree, because I'll have both an activated curse and shrinkage!"
"Don't worry, if I use all the hot water, I'll go find the boiler and heat it up, like I did all the other times we ran out," Wylde called back.
"Damn Jusenkyo..." Teena muttered, going over to cuddle her beloved mini-Tree. This was what Wylde saw when she finished her shower and came out. Not to mention heard.
"Yes, wouldums like somebody to eat, honey? Does sweet Suabru miss his Mommy when she's gone? Maybe Mommy will take oo along on the next mission, and oo can eat the nasty Sue's soul, wouldums like that, sweetie, of course you would!"
"I'd snuggle you, Gadnalf, but I'm human at the moment," Wylde said apologetically. "Hey, you want to switch with Grandelf, give him some time here, spend some time with the minis at OFCoV?"
Gadnalf nodded enthusiastically. They were both used to tuning out the way Teena gushed over Suabru.
"Yes you can, yes you can, Mommy will punch the nasty Sue's heart and cast the spell and let you eat her, yes..."
"I'll see what I can do," Wylde assured Gadnalf. "I hope I can bring Alberish on the next mission. He'd have to be disguised as a miniature pony or something, but I think he'd like to come."
"Suabru can just pretend to be a young tree," Teena commented, surfacing from her maternal haze to join the rest of the world for the most part. "Yes, Mommy's sweetheart..."
"If he doesn't mind wearing a pot, anyway. C'mon Gadnalf, let's go back home, hmm? Wanna come with, Teena-chan?"
"Nah, I need to check in back at my place, make sure there's nothing that needs my attention."
"All right. We should do some sort of Very Bad Crossovers class, introduce some of our students."
"I have a crossover class. Though Valdemar might make a very good example of what ISN'T compatible with X."
"Yeah, same here. Anyway, I'll see you in the morning, Teena-chan," Wylde said, setting the portal for OFCoV and heading through with Gadnalf.
Teena waved, then reset the portal for OFUX once her partner was safely away, stepping through with Suabru.
In perfect keeping with the Narrative Laws of Comedy, the moment they were both gone...
Teena: Our next target is already picked out, but we are taking suggestions for ones after that, of course. Save us from having to wade through all the badfic ourselves. In the next one, a YYH x YGO crossover-Sue finds out why you DON'T yank poor, defenseless youkos into unfamiliar continua and make them have sex with you.
Wylde: This one was pretty bad, but not as bad as some have been. For those who donít know, thatís probably a lot of you, the Shin'a'in and their religion, which Iím using, come from Mercedes Lackeyís Valdemar books, based in the fantasy world of Velgarth. My staff, as it so happens, is named after a Shin'a'in warsteed one of her characters rides. Fun.