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Suicide, Diocletian, and Ithalond
RC 2771a

Introduction

Welcome to Response Center 2771a. As you come in through the doorway, you see a cheeseburger wrapper taped to the door with a Band-Aid. On the wrapper has been scrawled Suicide an Dio, psychos in training. The label is both apt and under-descriptive, but if you spend more than thirty seconds in this particular response center, you'll get to know that. More closely than you'd like.

Missions

Mission 1 - "Ranariel, Elf Ranger of the Fellowship"
In which we meet Agent Suicide and Agent Diocletian, Department of Mary Sues, and discover that Moria can be more fun than it sounds.

Mission 2 - "Sar-Plasm, Sue Pies, and Other Affairs of the Organs"
Abusive!Caspian? A descendant of Peter? Not bloody likely! Suicide and Dio investigate a dangerous completely-normal-nope-not-special-at-all Sue, and along the way, find a few more allies- and well as a desert of caramels.

Mission 3 - "'Twas Many and Many a Year Ago, in a Nondescript Random Town by the Sea"
Dio has been removed for psychological testing, and who does Suicide get for a new partner? Rookie Agent Ithalond, rescued from "Celebrian," a bundle of nerves and neuroses. Can he handle Anna-Belle Dialer, love of Bootstrap Bill and nancer extreme? Probably not.

Mission 4 - "In which Logic Is Seen as Optional, at Best"
Suicide and Ithalond face a perfect!Sue—written by an author who knows nothing of movie or book. What's Captain Jack Sparrow doing here? And what happens when an Elf encounters C. M. O. T. Dibbler's Famous Pork Pies?

Mission 5 - "Ow, Ow, and Ow Again"
Ithalond's incapacitated, and Suicide gets yet another new partner. Agent Rowen is a former bit character and highly susceptible to dangerous long-haired men, bad news for a certain Greek. But when they encounter Tatiana, shapeshifter Sue with speshul powers and gratuitous panty-shots, they have bigger things to worry about . . .

Mission 6 - "Just One Letter"
Just when you thought it was safe to be a mythology fanatic, along comes a Sue with the powers of the Egyptian goddess of destruction. Follow Ithalond and Suicide as they get drunk, swear, fight, and oh yes, charge the Sue too. Bonus appearance by Discworld's Death.

Mission 7 - "Subjugation"
(incomplete)
Things like this shouldn't exist, but they do. A hermaphrodite Snape is raped by Evil!Lustful!Dumbledore, impregnated, and forced to marry him. A frustrated Suicide is assigned by the Sunflower Official, depressed, and forced to carry no weapon. Meanwhile, his former partner Diocletian is reinstated, but still not entirely cured of her insanity. Do we honestly think this is going to turn out well? [Spoiler: It didn't. —Ed.]