To: Department of Technical Errors Agents
From: The Uncommon Comma
Please find enclosed the current official list of technical and canon charges which agents in the Department of Technical Errors may use in the Pirates of the Caribbean universe. This list was created to determine if the Department of Technical Errors can PPC a fic. There is no set number of offenses to merit a PPCing; DTE victims will be selected on a fic-by-fic basis.
A. BASIC LANGUAGE ABUSE (Applicable to All Departments)
1. Mangling of the English language
1.1. Bad grammar and syntax
1.2. Punctuation errors
1.3. Spelling errors
1.3.1. General spelling errors
1.3.2. Errors in spelling of names, aka "creating more Misspelled Monkeys than Miss Merc can deal with"
2. Mangling of a foreign language, esp. Spanish or French.
3. Abuse of the Muses
3.1. Scrawling pitiful doggerel and calling it poetry
3.2. Quoting song lyrics of any description, particularly those of Britney Spears and her ilk (aka "song fics")
4. Causing colonial characters to use modern slang. ("What's up, Lass?" "Life sucks." And so on.)
5. Causing characters to make incorrect use of colonial vernacular.
6. Gratuitous tense shifting (e.g. past to present)
8. Gratuitous point-of-view or person shifting
9. Employing melodramatics
10. Causing an original character to have an unbearably beautiful voice
B. DEPARTMENT OF TECHNICAL ERRORS-SPECIFIC CHARGES
1. The use of faulty logic. (I am the original character, therefore you must LOVE ME even though I act like a complete twit.)
2. The creation of plot holes. (Elizabeth died of some mysterious illness that no one else caught? Uh-huh.)
3. "Eye of Argon"-esque adjective use (i.e. thesaurus abuse or purple prose).
4. Superlative Sue-Speech. ("She was the best, smartest, bravest, most stunning woman they had ever met.")
5. CAPS LOCK syndrome.
6. Runaway exclamation points, periods and question marks. (Please try to capture as many of these as possible: Grammer is collecting them.)
7. Failure to capitalize.
8. Misuse of "whom" in order to sound educated.
9. Mangled modifiers, i.e. misplacing part of the sentence. ("Locked in a vault for 50 years, the owner of the jewels has decided to sell them." *)
10. Malapropisms, i.e. words used incorrectly. ("Growing up the lattice work were pink and yellow concubines." *)
11. Ambiguous pronoun reference. ("Guilt, vengeance and bitterness can be emotionally destructive to you and your children. You must get rid of them." *)
12. Use of netspeak.
13. Abuse of the Common Comma.
14. Misspelling “please”, “read”, or “review” in a plea for feedback.
* Examples are courtesy of an excellent and hilarious book, Anguished English, by Richard Lederer.
C. SUBJECTIVE CHARGES (Applicable to All Departments)
(Note: These charges may not necessarily be officially supported by the Administration if disputed and do not constitute legal cause for assasination on their own; however, they are authorized for use by PPC personnel if sufficient charges have been accumulated under other sections to warrant assasination or incarceration of the subject.)
1. Annoying PPC agents
2. Displaying extreme stupidity or causing canon characters to act stupidly
3. Committing fashion crimes
4. Employing melodramatics, especially melodramatic death speeches (may need to be given post-humously)
5. Hitting on PPC agents’ lust objects
6. Claiming than the fanfic is "not a Mary-Sue" when it has all the recognized characteristics of one
7. Pretending to dislike or be angry at a lust object when it is PAINFULLY OBVIOUS that the original character only exists to enact the author's own wish-fulfillment fantasies as the lover/partner of her crush.
1. This charge list may be used in conjunction with the Mary Sue and Bad Writing Litmus Test to rack up points for a fic. However, the points here are, for the most part, arbitrary.
2. Suggested scoring: two or three points for each minor offense, but additional points every time that error occurs.
The PPC belongs to Jay and Acacia. Images and background © ByDezign.