The office was quiet that day. You could even hear the crickets chirping (though how crickets came into Headquarters was a mystery). Dee and Milask were sitting at their respective desks. Well, Dee was sleeping at her desk while Milask was ironing at his. "I'm too sexy for my shirt, too sexy for my shirt, too sexy it hurts," sang Milask to himself as he put on his newly ironed suit jacket. He looked at himself in the full-length mirror (which took a lot of arguing with his partner, who didn't want a mirror in their office and made a point of him always hogging it). "And you are, aren't you?" he said to his reflection.
There was a loud beep (different from your regular beeps) that signified a memo. "Please be expecting an arrival from the Mpreg subdepartment..." there was a knock, "right about now."
Milask got up to answer the door, flattening out his suit. Who knows, it could very well be a cat girl that was coming.
Opening the door, he saw a thin girl with frizzy brown hair standing there, smiling brightly—too brightly to believe that she was an agent. "Hi!" she said with the spunk that seemed to scream cheerleader. No agent should be that happy. Then again, perhaps she was new.
"Well hello..." Milask said, a bit disappointed. "Do come in." Really, was it so hard to find a cat-woman for him to snuggle with? Ever since Lady Bast has slapped him, things were never the same.
"Thanks. Erm... this Bad Slash? I was sent from Mpreg for... well, no discernible reason, really, they just told me to come... I'm Taboo," she continued, sticking out her hand, not noticing the disappointment on his face. Either that or she was ignoring it.
"Taboo? Taboo to what?"
She blinked. "Erm... my parents?" She shrugged.
Suddenly, there rang a loud Beep! from the console; now that was the mission beep.
"Hey, Dee, wake up!" Milask shook his partner a couple of times. "We have a visitor here."
Dee raised her hand and hit the top of Milask's head as if it was the Snooze button. "But mommy, I don't want to go to school today." Then her face scrunched up. "And the cat's been getting on my alarm clock again."
This time Milask yelled, "Wake up!"
She sat up with a jolt, and looked around. "You don't have to shout you know."
"And for the last time I am NOT JUST A CAT!"
"Then why the heck does your face have more fur than the average human being?"
"Sorry about this, Taboo... she is just difficult sometimes to work with..." said Milask. Really, how hard was it to understand that he was not, repeat, NOT a cat?
Dee then spotted the girl standing at the door looking very bemused. "Oh! Hello, my name's Dee. And don't listen to him, he's just sensitive." She extended her hand, while putting on her very large pair of glasses.
"Please just don't wrinkle the suits, I just ironed them!" She was standing too close to his rack of suits, who knew what she might do?
"Why can't you be quiet like normal cats? Goodness knows they're easier to handle."
Taboo shook Dee's outstretched hand. "Hi. Taboo. Mpreg sent me over. It might have something to do with—" she pointed at the beeping console— "that."
"Wow, messy job you must have then!"
Taboo grimaced, her chipper face suddenly growing dark. Her right eye twitched a bit. "... Yes... yes, it is...." Bad, bad memories....
"Let's have a look at this then..." Milask said as he wandered over to the console.
"Uh oh, does that mean that... we'll actually have to see Mpreg?" When will people ever learn that you can't be pregnant if you don't have a uterus?
"Probably not... it's next to impossible for a male to give birth in canon. I'll have to take the pregnant one back to HQ and have the Medical Examiners take care of him."
"Whewwww. Now I can breath a bit easier!" said Milask.
"Okay... how about we go now? The sooner we're through, the sooner I can go back to sleep." She was just in the middle of a great dream including a certain Elf, a certain redhead, and a lot of whipped cream (not that it was meant to be hinting anything). She took some backpacks that were lying on the floor, giving one to Taboo.
Milask looked up from the console and over to the two girls. "Um I don't think you are going to like this... it is Draco who is pregnant."
Taboo began rifling through her backpack while listening to Milask. "Draco... Legolas with a wand... wait, Harry's baby?"
"Not at first...."
"I expect that returned when we get back," Dee said to Taboo.
"But it's so cool!" she whined. Then, "What? What do you mean, 'Not at first?'"
"Do we even want to know or do we want to be surprised?" asked Dee, not really caring either way, and not really asking.
"But... Dear Eru! Some wierd spell that can change who the father is! I don't even want to know how that works!"
"That would be the 'Deus Ex Machina Spell,' if I'm not mistaken," Taboo said while watching the Words scroll on the console. "Nifty, innit?"
"Not when used on the male physique," said Dee as she took out her portal generator.
"Dee, would you do the honors?" said Milask.
"Will do, since you'll probably break the damn thing." She pushed the button, and into the portal they went.
The agents fell through the portal into Snape's dungeon; a rather dreary place, to say the least.
"During curfew, how can it be during curfew?" asked Milask. "Should it not be after curfew?"
"So really, this is happening at 9 PM when everyone's just falling asleep," said Dee, thinking.
"And plenty of people are still coming and going who could see this. Brilliant move!" said Taboo with false delight (or it could have been real, who knew).
"This is just... peachy." Was that even a right word to use for that type of situation?
"Sir, Crabbe and Goyle are having sex with Draco. He's sound asleep, so I think they're using some kind of spell on him."
"Well, what an unpleasant way of scoring," said Dee, pondering the rather unpleasant concept.
"CRABBE... AND GOYLE?" Taboo gave a little stifled shriek and pulled her robes over her head. "Eew!"
"Well, there are at least canon spells to keep people asleep, not to say that this is right or anything," added Milask, just as the dungeon changed into the dorm room, where both of the cronies were on top of a snoring Draco.
"Ah!" cried Dee and covered her eyes.
Snape ran back to the dorm and burst into the room.
"If they're expelled, do points really matter anymore?" asked Taboo, well, more of a thinking aloud type of thing.
"Milask, is it safe to open our eyes now?" asked Dee. These were some of those mental images that one did not want.
"Well, the author didn't say that they put their pants back on yet."
"So you're watching the action?"
"Brave soul," said Taboo with admiration.
"Not directly!" said Milask. He was not like that. At least, he hoped not. He was sure he wasn't... really.
"Okay, and I was almost starting to worry about you," said Dee, still covering her eyes. After all, it would have explained why he was so vain.
Draco yawned as he woke from his spell-induced slumber. "What's all the noise about?" he asked, somewhat sleepy and unaware of what had just happened to him.
The two pants-less ex-cronies ran past the three agents, not even bothering to bring their suitcases. The author had finished with them. "It's over."
"Okay..." said Dee, cautiously taking her hand away.
"It is safe now. I think."
The scene then abruptly switched to the morning, with the light shining into the room.
It was morning and Draco was awake.
"Whoa! Wait a minute!"
Taboo did a double-take. "Lucius wazzaWHAT?!"
"Why would a father do that!" shouted Milask. Now this was just sick.
"Does that mean that Draco's been sleeping with everyone in Slytherin?" asked Dee. The other two agents turned and looked at her. Well, that was slightly off... "What?"
All three of them then stared at the scene, aghast.
"Wow. Draco really IS the Legolas of Hogwarts, then..." Taboo said finally.
"How could they?" Draco sat up. The pain in his bottom ("We do not need to know that," said Milask) immediately told him that Pomfrey was no liar. "Damn them! When my father..."
Dee's eyes leered at Taboo at the mention of the prince of Mirkwood. "What are you implying?" she asked.
Taboo coughed delicately. "You haven't been to the Library of Moria much, have you? Well, it's not really his fault he's so pretty, but slashers just love him..."
"I know..." Dee said, in a low voice. Poor Legolas was always abused, if not by Mary Sues, then by slashers. Maybe this was why they assigned her to the HP continuum.
"The Library!" said Milask, remembering. "I have been there... once...." Now those were bad memories, very bad....
Taboo continued watching the scene, perplexed at what was happening. "Lucius orders Draco's rape... so Draco gets removed from Slytherin... yes, this all makes sense. Yup."
"This is bad slash, do you think it's suppose to make sense?" Dee pointed out.
"What house was I resorted into?" Draco asked.
"Wow... how surprising," said Dee, sarcastically.
"Foreshadow, foreshadow, did I say foreshadow?" asked Milask.
"Chocolate, anyone?" asked Dee. This was turning into a sort of tradition.
"Me me me!" shouted Taboo, waving her hand in the air.
"We got a new Gryffindor," Hermione told Ron and Harry.
"Anyone want to venture a guess on what Harry's thinking about?" said Dee, sarcastic.
Dee and Milask looked at Taboo. Pie? Insane randomness ahoy!
Harry blushed. He didn't want to tell them it was no accident, that while he had fallen due to Peeves, he had taken advantage of the situation to kiss a boy he had secretly loved ever since their first arrival at Hogwarts.
"So I guess the rivalry was just sexual tension?" suggested Dee.
"WHAT?" Milask yelled, almost blowing a blood vessel.
"Malfoy's got a funny way of showing affection, then, doesn't he, what with the constant name-calling and... ooh, shiny." Dee handed something metallic to Taboo to keep her distracted; we don't want perky cheerleading agents thinking too much.
The trio suddenly turned to look at the three agents.
"Good going Milask, you're not supposed to attract their attention," Dee whispered.
Draco walked in. He strolled over to Gryffindor's table and tried to find a seat. Within moments, he was seated between Fred and George Weasley.
"I think that just distracted them..." whispered Milask.
"Why's he sitting next to a Weasley?"
"And why have they not insulted each other to Kingdom Come and back yet?" asked Taboo, who had gotten bored with the shiny thing.
Dee took the liberty of pointing the CAD at the twins.
[Fred and George Weasley. Canon. Human Males. OOC 92.8% wait... 104.4%. COMPLETE CHARACTER RUPTURE!! BEWARE! RUN! HIDE!]
"I hear you two are a couple of really good practical jokers," Draco told the twins. "I've just learned that my beloved father isn't the man I thought he was. In fact, he's downright despicable. What I need is to get even. But doing anything wicked would just be following in that rat bastard's footsteps. I don't want to do that anymore. I want to get him back, and I want to do it with a brilliant practical joke."
The device sparked and fizzled as Draco spoke.
[Draco Malfoy. Canon. Human Male. WARNING WARNING. CHARACTER GONE GONE GONE... AND STILL GOING!] The device died with an anti-climatic POP.
"Canon breech is now meeting total canon collapse," said Milask. "Hmmm, this is going to be hard to keep to a PG rating, isn't it?"
"It was way past R since the beginning."
"If the author had added details... which she didn't, but the notion alone...." Dee shuddered.
"For the mental images, if nothing else," added Taboo. Ron was the only character who was still slightly in-character, grilling Draco about things the agents had been wondering about since the beginning.
"Someone finally cram their foot up your ass?" Ron asked, somewhat belligerently. Draco Malfoy was second to last on his list of people he really wanted to see (the first was teaching his next class).
"Uh... he really wants to see Snape?" asked Dee, whose expression went from confused to sad. "Oh, Ron... just when I think you're safe...."
"Now, this is getting interesting in canon rupture."
"Seems... that way.... It's a good thing that thing is dead, or it'd be shrieking like nobody's business...." Taboo nudged the broken CAD with her foot. It was still fizzling.
Then, Draco stood up with what seemed to be tears in his eyes.
"Professor McGonagall is a bit touchy this morning, isn't she?" said Milask.
"Who could blame her?" replied Dee. "I'd be touchy too if an angsty Draco came into my house."
"Draco Malfoy overreacts to everything." Ron rolled his eyes.
"Oh, that's a nice thing, just BLURT it out for EVERYONE to hear!" said Taboo. And everyone did hear.
"Maybe Draco wanted to keep that secret?" suggested Milask.
"Kind of late for that." Everyone in the hall turned their heads to look at the embarrassed Draco.
"Oooh, look at how red he's getting! Hee." Taboo was practically giddy; it's not everyday you see Draco Malfoy blush. The red showed up quite well against his white complexion.
"Are you a Draco luster by any chance?"
Taboo's eyes darted back and forth. "Oh look Dee! Ron's talking!"
"You have nothing to be ashamed about, Draco," Ron said. "If anyone should be lowering their eyes right now, it's me. I said some pretty nasty things to you just now. Please, allow me to apologize."
"That is what you would call an awkward situation," Milask replied nonchalantly, picking up his tail and inspecting it thoroughly. What a nice distraction, oh, split-ends....
"Aw, Ron's acting so nice..." said Dee.
"So out of characterly nice; he always fumbles at stuff like this." Milask was still at his tail, finding those awful split ends all over the place.
"If Ron's acting nicer than usual, just look at Draco," said Taboo. "He'd rather be caught dead than talking to a Weasley, and he's actually apologizing to Ron!" She turned to Milask. "What are you doing?"
"Oh nothing, just finishing up with my daily grooming," Milask said just before he started licking his tail.
"Do you want me to start petting you?" said Dee crossly. This was not the time to be grooming, and how in the world did his tail appear while they were in disguises? Something told her that Milask had been messing with the disguises again. He seemed a little bit more hairy this time around.
"I forgive you," Ron said, after a moment of thought.
Despite what had happened up until that point, the next thing Draco did caught everyone completely by surprise. He stood up, went over to Hermione, and knelt at her feet.
"Is he going to propose?" asked Taboo.
"If he is, I am out of here," replied Dee. She was a rabid R/H shipper darnit, even if she lusted after one of the people in the coupling.
"I don't blame you, but if you go, that leaves me alone to repair all of this. PLEASE don't go, exorcisms are too messy!" Milask pleaded, dropping his tail that vanished under his robes.
"Uh oh, I think Harry's a bit jealous," said Taboo.
Milask started coughing, "Foreshadow, foreshadow."
"Would you like some water, Milask?" Taboo asked.
"Cats don't like water," said Dee.
"Oh no, I don't need it." Milask started looking at Hermione intensely.
"Oh lookatthat, Draco's acting all decent and apologizing to Hermione. Ain't that the sweetest thing," Dee said sarcastically.
"Um, Milask... why are you looking at her like that?" asked Taboo. Didn't he just go for cat... ladies?
Milask started looking uncomfortable. "I was only trying to see if I could see how out of..." he trailed off. Under his breath Dee and Taboo were just barely able to make out, "Just a little bit of fur and a shorter hair cut...."
Harry felt a mixture of relief that Draco hadn't proposed, and anxiety at what Hermione's answer might be.
"Now, let's all give each other a group hug like they do on TV!" said Taboo in a perky fashion.
"Wonder what they are going to do next? Start kissing?" Milask was not in the mood to take this right now.
"Thank you for that mental image," said Dee sourly. Then, there was a sort of jerking feeling as they were pulled from Hogwarts to what seemed to be a courtyard belonging to a very big house. And strolling in front of it was a beautiful blond-haired woman.
Narcissa Malfoy was strolling through the gardens in the courtyard of the Malfoy Estate. Her mind was on the son she had borne. The boy she loved with all her heart. She hadn't heard from him in a few days and was looking forward to an owl from him.
"How nice, a mother's love. And yet, he still turned out demented," said Dee.
"Blame his dad for that one," said Milask.
"Wow, the estate is so big, I could live in this," said Taboo. "What? I like big houses."
The three agents ducked as an owl flew towards them with a... polka-dotted envelope? And it was addressed to none other than Lucius Malfoy. Then, the man just appeared out of nowhere to open the envelope. "I guess he really wanted that letter," said Dee.
"Do you think Draco's pissed?" asked Taboo, gaping at the blatant OOC-ness of the letter.
"Well, concerning that his father had two of Draco's goons rape the kid, yeah, I would think he's pissed," said Milask.
Then, the scene unfolded quite fast after that. Suffice to say, Lucius Malfoy was arrested and bound to Azkaban ("Don't you think it's kind of a harsh punishment for soliciting rape?" asked Dee. "That is a logical question which has no place in this fic," answered Milask, rubbing his forehead. Damn insistent migrane) but not before yelling:
"Your little mudblood needed to be brought into line." Lucius told her as he was bound for the trip to Azkaban. "Yes, I know all about your little affair with "poochikins".
"'Poochikins?'" uttered Milask. "What kind of a name is that?" It was not everyday you would hear a Malfoy using a petname, though it was hard to believe that they would even use petnames. And poochikins? Petnames of cat origin were so much more adorable.
"I think it's adorable," said Taboo. That earned some very loud sniggering from Dee, at the look on Milask's face. This mission, except for the painfulness of the plot, was getting quite funny.
Of course, the next piece of news was even better (or worse, depending on the angle and state of mind).
Draco was four months pregnant with Gregory Goyle's child.
And to make it better, Madame Hooch won't do an abortion. "That will mean Medical will have to do it," said Taboo, wincing at the messiness of it all. "It gets extremely messy after four months." That earned a wince from both Dee and Milask, glad that they didn't work in Medical.
"Which brings us to our next question of how the heck can Draco be pregnant if he has no uterus?" said Dee.
Milask was rummaging in his bag for painkillers. Taboo tossed him some Bleeprin since Dee was keen not to give hers up so easily. "Thank you."
And the worst thing was knowing that his father had probably been the one to place the curse upon him. His father had helped Goyle to get him pregnant.
"Alrighty then, never mind on that one," said Dee.
The scene changed again to Snape's dungeon, where he had just received an envelope, that was colored blue and pink. "My, what a variety of envelopes we have," said Dee.
"Snape just got a Daddy Notice," Percy explained. "He's either just become a father or has been one for some time and the mom's just getting around to telling him."
"Guess who that is from," said Milask, taking the second half of his Bleeprin.
"Hey! You stole my line!" said Dee.
"Oh, I know!" said Taboo excitedly. Guessing games were so much fun!
"Darling Poochikins!" Narcissa's told everyone in the room, "Draco Malfoy is your son."
The agents looked around the room, then at each other, then just burst out laughing. Alright, this was just plain funny.
"How did she suddenly appear? I though Hogwarts didn't allow apparating," said Taboo.
"Bad punctuation," answered Dee. "Think Draco's shocked?"
"Not as shocked as he should be, I think," answered Milask.
Professor Snape did not expect his classroom to be decorated with signs that read "Congratulations" and "It's A Boy!".
"And we didn't either," commented Milask.
"Ugh, why is Hermione levitating banners to congratulate him? Is this like a baby shower or something?" asked Dee.
"I was under the impression that almost half of the class hated Snape," said Taboo. That just earned shrugs from the other two agents.
"They also hate Malfoy, but look what happened to that," said Dee.
"Mr Malfoy," Snape told his son. "I know how you feel, but Madam Pomfrey has told me that you are very fragile and that a miscarriage, like an abortion, would probably kill you."
"Fragile?" said Milask.
"Yes, like you," answered Dee, earning herself a glare. How many was that? She lost count.
"Never heard of someone dying from a miscarriage before, except for the actual baby," said Taboo. They watched the rest of the scene unfold, in which Hermione suggested a spell that (to everyone's bewilderment, which, up to this much, wasn't very much) could change the paternity of the baby.
"Explain to me on how that is possible," said Taboo. "And the point."
"There is none," replied Dee.
Milask nodded. "This fic lost its point a long time ago."
"Excuse me," Draco interrupted. "But since I have to carry the baby, I should be the one to pick out the father."
"How many saw that coming?" said Dee.
"Oh! I did!" said Taboo.
"That is it, can we stop this... now?" asked Milask. This was taking too long and his headache was really bad now.
"Of course," replied his partner. The three agents removed their Invisibility Cloaks. Everyone's eyes turned to them, wondering where they came from.
"Would you mind keeping everyone 'preoccupied,' Ms. Taboo, while we take care of Draco?" asked Milask.
Taboo nodded. "Can do!" She turned to her audience. "Hi everyone! This is a nice gathering, nice... stuffy classroom ("Nice place for an exorcism," Dee whispered to Milask)," said Taboo cheerfully, who quite liked being the center of attention and was ready to give a lecture on Neuralyzing 101. "Now, if you would just look at this nice object I'm holding in my hand here!"
The other two put their sunglasses on and crept over and tapped Malfoy on the shoulder. He turned around. "Hi!" said Dee. "Follow us, please."
"Why should I?" he asked.
"Because we say so," said Milask, and pushed him into the open portal. The three of them reappeared inside Snape's office. "Let's get this over with." He pulled out some rope.
"Silencio," said Dee, almost bored. There was much struggling as Milask tied up a very surly Malfoy, who liked to kick. "So, do you want to do this, or do I?"
"Just do it," said Milask, rubbing his head. The damn kid had kicked him. The pain he went through for this job.
Dee cleared her throat, holding a copy of Goblet of Fire. "In the name of Rowling, and her editors, I bid thee, slash spirit, get the hell out!" She slammed the book down on Malfoy's chest, causing him to convulse quite violently and lie still.
"Is he alright?" asked Milask, dragging him out.
"He'll be fine, well, not really, especially when he wakes up," Dee answered, "Just one more thing.... Begone foul authoress, you have caused enough damage!" Dee took her wand and stabbed it down in the center of the candle circle. There was an irritating screech as a black spirit came from the center and rose.
"No! I must spread the slash everywhere!"
"Oh, do be quiet!" shouted Milask and smacked the spirit with his bag, causing the canon to fix itself with a sickening jolt.
Somewhere in Azkaban, Lucius Malfoy woke up to discover himself in a place he was not happy to be in. Of course, this thought did not stay long as the canon reverted itself back and he disappeared. Crabbe and Goyle, on the other hand, wondered why they were at home and not at school. This thought did not stay long either for they soon found themselves back inside their dorm rooms.
"Wow, didn't know you could be so angry," said Dee, amused and quite awed.
"Well, you never faced me with a headache," answered her partner.
* * *
The three agents appeared back inside the office, all three quite happy to be back inside a sane environment (well, maybe not that sane of an environment). Taboo had her hand on Draco, who had come to a minute ago and was looking around, quite confused.
"Well, that was fun," said Taboo, receiving glares from the other two. "Okay, maybe not."
"What the heck were you telling them in that classroom?" asked Dee.
"Just one of my many stories. Not like they remembered. Anyhow, I have to go get him depregnanted," said Taboo, pointing to Draco, who was looking around the room. "This is going to be so messy."
"Do you want us to help?" asked Milask, being the gentleman he was.
"No, I doubt you want to lose your lunch."
"Too late," commented Dee. "Lost it halfway a while ago and won't be eating anything for a while."
"Well, must be going then," said Taboo. "Sooner I get this over with, the better."
Milask opened the door for her as she walked out. "Have fun."
"Here, take this," said Dee, tossing her an extra bottle of Bleeprin. "I'm sure you'll need it."
They both collapsed onto their chairs, with Milask rubbing his head.
"Yeah," said Dee. She rubbed her head. "Fix your fur, it's a mess."
"Ha ha," said Milask. Then he sat up straight, his fur on ends, "I suddenly have a foreboding feeling."
[BEEEEEEPPPPP!!!!!! DEE AND MILASK, REPORT TO THE BAD SLASH OFFICE IMMEDDIATELY!!!!]
"I hate you," said Dee.