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LeoD of the PPC Presents:
Of Mice and Sues
BOOM!!  CRASH!!  HISPPSSSSH EEEEEEEEAAA splut

BriRi sprang up from the carpet on which she had been dozing and crashed smartly into the ceiling.  Rubbing her head tenderly and cursing in French, she picked herself up and slammed her fist down on the computer console switch.  This action caused many-colored sparks to emit from it and in turn sent an electrical shock through BriRi's hand.  This might have been an amusing sight if this story was an anime; unfortunately, BriRi found nothing funny about the situation as a lot of pain suddenly coursed throughout her body.

Picking herself up gingerly and nursing numerous hurts, BriRi sent a Glare of Death to the console, who in reply seemed to shrink in fear.  Grumbling to herself, she scanned the Words tentatively.  "Oh THIS is just great..." she muttered angrily to herself, grabbing CynicalGiantCow and hugging the stuffed duck to her chest tightly.  "Where is my partner when I need her?"

As though on cue, Melissa suddenly entered, smiling brightly and holding a long wooden stick.  "Look!" she exclaimed.  "Twelve inches, oak and unicorn hair."

"Glad you're happy," BriRi snapped.  "You missed our charming console nearly killing me."

Melissa sent her a questioning glance but said nothing; the egg-sized lump on BriRi's forehead, her urple hair sticking straight up to end underneath the ski cap, and various bruises spoke for themselves.  Instead she asked, "What is it this time?"

Scrolling down the page didn't help much to alleviate BriRi's anger.  Then she suddenly burst out into laughter.  "Look at this," she managed through chuckling.

Curious, Melissa leaned over and peered closely at the Words.  "Okay, that's just pathetic."

"Only a Sue-writer would be as stupid as to misspell the TITLE, for Elbereth's sake!"  BriRi giggled merrily, causing Melissa to send her a very odd glance.  Tenuously she pushed BriRi out of the chair and helped her gently collapse onto the floor, where BriRi broke into spasms of laughter.

Leaving her partner there to recover, Melissa turned back to the screen and scanned the summary briefly.  "Now Kay-Lee lives next to the Dursleys (and Harry). Kay-Lee is 15 and was just accepted into Hogwarts. What is her mysterious past? Why is she dreaming of the Dark mark?? . Will get very interesting! Read and review!!!!"

"Who cares about her 'mysterious past'?" Melissa grumbled.  "It's all a cliche."

BriRi got back back up and looked back at the screen.  "Yes they all are," she said with a sigh.  "I'm putting my money on her being Voldemort's bastard daughter."

"Either that or she's Harry's long-lost sister."  Melissa, in her admittedly short time at the HP continuum, had recognized these as being the most overused plotlines used by fanwriters.

"I doubt it."

"It's quite possible."

"How much you wanna bet?"

"Loser is forced to eat twenty packages of Twinkies."  The horror of the loser's plight would be enough to make any normal person run away screaming, but, as it has already been established, the agents in this line of work could not be defined as normal.

"You're on," BriRi smirked, confident in her ability of hypothesizing.

Melissa turned and repacked her bag.  While she had been getting a new wand, she had been smart enough to stop at the Cafe and get some REAL food so that she wouldn't have to rely on BriRi.  "Who's tortured in this one?" she asked mildly.

"As far as I can see, there's no romance- yet," BriRi said.  "But she screws up nearly all of the canonical characters."

"Surprise, surprise."

"Tell me about it," and BriRi flicked another switch and stepped through a portal, followed by Melissa.

"Where are we?" the latter asked.

"Privet Drive," BriRi answered.  "That's Number 4, where Harry lives."

"Spiffy," Melissa commented.  "But why are we here?"

"Our Sue is his neighbor, justifying the title.  However, it doesn't justify misspelling it."

"Very true," Melissa agreed readily.  The two of them entered Number 6- where the Sue resided, waiting for them.  Melissa shivered in excitement.  These adventures could be so- well, adventurous, for lack of a stronger adjective.
Pulling out their Invisibility Cloaks, the two assassins crept noiselessly (for the most part) up the stairs and into the bedroom, where they witnessed a girl writhing and mumbling to herself on a bed.  "Dreaming of the Dark Mark.  How original."

"Her parents died when she was a year old.  Poor baby," BriRi added unconvincingly.

"And now she's adopted."  Melissa shook her head wearily.

"All of her adoptive families have been abusive to her, and they all die with a 'greenish mist over the house'," BriRi managed to say with a straight face.

The Gold family, and Kay-Lee lived at 6 Privet dr., next to the Dursleys, their 'perfect' son Dudley and Harry Potter, who as far as Kay-Lee is concerned, seems to nice to be in St. Brutus' Center for Criminally Incurable boys.

"The hell is she saying?" BriRi demanded.

"Poorly worded sentencing... check," muttered Melissa, bringing out her notepad.

With a sudden jerk, the two agents found themselves outside.  BriRi, who had been about to run over and throttle the Sue for being insensible, slipped and fell headfirst into a mud puddle.  "Mmmpnahsrnt!" she yelled angrily, which translated from Talking-Thru-Mud into English means "@#$%#&# ^&*$ %!#$!!"

However, Melissa was paying little attention to her partner's predicament, as Harry and Kay-Lee, the Sue, began to talk.

"Hello. My name is Kay-Lee Thomas." She said as cheerful as she could.

"Hi." She could tell he only said that to be polite, and that he didn't want to talk. However, they did shake hands. At that moment his scar began to sting, and he saw the end of her dream.

"Who are you?" he asked, surprised.

"How could he see her dream?" Melissa asked in confusion.

"Don't ask me," BriRi snapped as she rubbed mud out of her eyes.  "Add it to the charge list."

Harry and Kay-Lee suddenly separated as with another jerk, BriRi and Melissa found themselves once again inside the Sue's room.

"What is this, some jacked up reality show?" muttered BriRi, rubbing a cut on her cheek.

"I wish," Melissa said as she wrote 'using sudden, inappropriate and confusing time shifts with no explanation' on the list.  "She got a letter from Dumbledore."  Peering closer, Melissa read,

Dear Kelly,

You have been accepted into Hogwarts school of Witch craft and Wizardry. If you would come to platform nine and three quarters at ten o'clock on Aug 1st. We will explain there.

Professor Dumbledore


"Well, at least the author got the platform number right," Melissa said unhelpfully.  "Of course, she doesn't exactly specify which station the platform is at..."

"Is her name Kay-Lee or Kelly?" BriRi asked, her forehead wrinkling.  "I'm confused."

"Aren't we all," Melissa remarked offhandedly.  "But I think that Kelly's her real name, and Kay-Lee is supposed to be a preppy nickname."  She paused and glanced once more at the Words, then scoffed, "As if Dumbledore would send a letter that remarkably stupid and grammatically incorrect."

"Another Sue that hasn't read the books?" groaned BriRi.

"Actually, she may have.  Look at Harry's letter- she gets most of the book names right.  At least, I think that she does."  Melissa looked at Harry's letter more closely.

"No, she doesn't," BriRi growled.  "She just ripped off the names of the classes and hoped that those were the book titles."

And, once again, the agents were jerked back outside.

"I give up," BriRi declared, not moving this time.

Melissa suddenly chuckled.  Throwing her a strange look, BriRi asked, "What's up with you?"

"She thinks that Harry sent the letter to her as a joke," Melissa giggled.  "How incredibly, incredibly dumb."

The two characters continued to talk about Kay-Lee/Kelly's life.  "Look at this line," BriRi noticed.

Strange, unexplainable things were the title of her life, with her dreams, the mysterious deaths of all the abusive families.


"Sounds like she just ripped that off from a cheesy sci-fi one-star thriller," BriRi commented.

"Hey, I happen to like those."

The 'argument' ended with Kay-Lee/Kelly agreeing to drive Harry to the station the following day.

"What?!" Melissa exclaimed.  "Did I miss something?"

"They're both supposed to leave for Hogwarts early.  The author didn't explain why."

"But isn't the Hogwarts Express only at the Platform in September, the day all the students go to the school?"

"Tell that to the author."

=====

The two agents lounged now in the living room of their Sue's house.

"I thought that you said that something was going to happen now?" BriRi said, rather irritated.

"I thought that-"

Kay-Lee suddenly came bounding down the stairs as the doorbell rang.

"Get out your Invisibility Cloak," BriRi muttered.

"Why?  The Sue didn't spot us when she was talking with Harry."

"That's because she was too busy ogling him.  Come on."  Melissa sullenly pulled hers out and threw it over herself, just in time as it turned out.  Kay-Lee opened the door, and Professor McGonagall entered.

"What's she doing here?!" Melissa mouthed to BriRi, who shrugged and watched the scenario unfold.  She wasn't really listening, but the gist was that Kay-Lee had to leave early in the summer, since she was fifteen, to catch up to the fifth years.

"I don't understand why Dumbledore'd do that," BriRi said.  "Even in the unlikely event that someone would start Hogwarts late, they'd just start in the first year.  It'd make more sense."

"Agreed, but MS authors don't make sense."

"Point taken."

The conversation ended with Mrs. Gold allowing Kelly to go to Hogwarts.

"Now that is just stupid," Melissa said with a scowl.  "I mean, if my parents got a letter from a school they'd never heard of, promising to teach me 'magic' and 'spells', I don't think they'd let me go."

BriRi sighed.  "That's why MS's are paradoxes within themselves.  They can't exist, and yet bad authors forced them to, completely destroying the harmony of the canon."

"I like that.  Poetic."

"Why, thank you."

The events passed by in a blur, and within the next paragraph the two agents suddenly found themselves squished in the trunk of a car.

BriRi immediately shouted, "Mmmprhmaphh!" which, translated from Muffled-Speaking-Into-the-Floor into English means "@#$% @#$%^#$%# @#$&*#^!!!!"

"How did this happen?!" Melissa cried; she was in a slightly better position than her partner, as she was not facedown on her stomach.

"Mehophamhmmmphemph," BriRi replied sourly.  Melissa, having the odd trait of being able to actually understand Muffled-Speaking-Into-the-Floor (although her skills were sadly lacking in Talking-Thru-Mud), could understand her to have said, "Damnable shifts in setting."

Somehow the Words still appeared to them, and Melissa could just make out that they were in the trunk of Mrs. Gold's car, and being driven to King's Cross, along with Harry and Kay-Lee.

"Are we doomed?" she asked BriRi fiercely.  "Are we going to suffocate?!  Oh my sweet Valar, we're gonna die aren't we?!!  My mom always told me I should've been an accountant- but I didn't expect to be killed in this job!!  Oh-"

"MMUMPHAHHMRPHMEERPHAHUP!!!" BriRi interrupted her, the translation being, "NO WE AREN'T SO SHUT THE @#$%%^ $ *$#%^%#$ UP!"

"Oh."  Melissa considered this for a moment, then smiled.  "Good."

Barely able to suppress a growl of annoyance, BriRi managed to roll onto her side so that she could glimpse the Words.  Then she closed her eyes to shield them from the pain and leaned back into her former position.

Minutes passed, forming into hours, dragging into days.  Actually, they weren't, but that was what it felt like to Melissa.  She stared at the dark hood above them, wondering just how long it would take for Mrs. Gold to reach the station (since the author didn't specify that it was King's Crossing, she had no idea and knew that it could be anywhere).  After a while of lying there in silence, she addressed her partner, "BriRi?"

"Mmmhmph?"

"I'm claustrophobic."

=====

For once in her life, BriRi was actually thankful when a time shift occurred suddenly and without warning.  This was for several reasons, one of them being that she didn't think that the situation would have been good if Harry and Kay-Lee had opened the trunk to get their luggage, and found the two agents there; for another, Melissa was constantly whimpering or complaining melodramatically, until BriRi longed to reach her backpack and the earplugs she had stored within after their last journey, realizing that they would, if the need arose, block any sounds of House Elves scurrying about.

The sudden time shift freaked Melissa out, however.  She had been dozing off to sleep (for which BriRi had been most relieved, as it shut her up) and when the shift happened, Melissa had screamed.  Loudly.  BriRi had had to quickly clamp her mouth over her partner's mouth before they were dumped onto the platform.

"Ouch."  BriRi winced and removed the hand covering Melissa's mouth to rub a bruise on her shoulder.  Hauling her partner's prostate form onto the train and into a compartment, BriRi collapsed on a seat and briefly glanced at the Words.  There was luckily a large plot hole, as the author had simply stated that the two talked about Hogwarts for an hour or so, giving the tired agent a chance to doze.

When she woke up, BriRi noticed that Melissa was still out of it.  Finally growing concerned, she pushed several strands of light brown, thin hair out of her partner's face and dutifully forced Melissa's eyes open, checking them for glaze.  Thankfully, both of them were still clear.  BriRi considered bringing out her trumpet, but then decided against it and instead opened a can of Diet Vanilla Coke and looked over at the next compartment, where Kay-Lee and Harry were still chatting amiably.

"I don't think I've been with any one family longer than two years, except one." Kay-Lee said, almost wistfully, as if she really didn't miss them.
("What in Eru's name..." BriRi began, then gave up trying to understand.)

"If you don't mind me saying so, you don't seem to miss them." BriRi snorted at Harry's use of redundancy.

"I don't. All but one family was abusive. Again, all but the one that didn't abuse me died in a mysterious house fire, with odd green smoke. The other was in a car crash. It's funny, each time I try to remember the smoke, I think of a skull." Harry wondered if there was more to this girl than he knew. He needed to find out more. Maybe he's heard of her parents!

Growling angrily at the idioticy, BriRi yanked out her earplugs, then thought better of it and reached for her CD player.  Humming along to Bowling for Soup made her feel slightly better.  "And when he walks, all the wind blows and the angels sing," she sung quietly to herself, pulling out her CAD and aiming it at Harry. 

[Harry Potter.  Human male.  Canon character. Out of character 7.32%]

She blinked.  Several times.  "What?"  Reaiming the CAD did not change the setting at all.  "How in holy heck..."  Then she sighed.  "I suppose Harry probably WOULD be civil to a stranger..."  BriRi sighed and returned to concentrating on the lyrics and taking large gulps of soda.

It was at this moment of time when Melissa began to stir.  "Mmph," she grunted into her shoulder as she turned onto her side, causing her to fall to the train floor.  This jolted her quite awake.

"Good morning, princess," BriRi snapped in annoyance.

Melissa rubbed her head tenderly.  "Is it just me, or is this mission more painful than the last?"

"At least YOU didn't get attacked by the computer console."

"True," Melissa yawned.  "So what've I missed?"

"Absolutely noth-" Another time-shift jerked BriRi and Melissa into the Great Hall of Hogwarts, causing Diet Vanilla Coke to spill over the both of them.

"Holy fu-"

Melissa quickly threw a hand over BriRi's mouth and threw an Invisibility Cloak over the two of them.  "Shh!  Dumbledore's here," she hissed.

"Ooh."  BriRi immediately shut up and gazed intently at the Headmaster.  Then she scowled.  Dumbledore was usually an impressive sight, but as he was in a badfic, the impressiveness was fake and completely forced.

"This is the great hall," he said tonelessly, reminding BriRi more of Professor Binns than of the sage and powerful wizard he was supposed to be, "where you'll be eating dinner. In that direction are the dungeons, which is where the potions classes are held, and the Slytherin dorms are down there, too."

BriRi whimpered, and Melissa shuddered in disgust.  "Let's get away from them," she whispered, "we aren't going to miss much anyway."

Nodding in agreement, BriRi waited until the three exited the Hall, and then tore off the Cloak.  "Damned Sue," she growled menacingly, grabbing her empty soda can.  "Dumbledore has been transformed into an elderly little fool.  I hate them."

"I do too, BriRi," Melissa said comfortingly.  "But let's get out of here.  C'mon, you haven't shown me the Slytherin common room yet," in an attempt to cheer her partner up.

Perking immensely, BriRi led Melissa to the stone wall that served as a door between the hallway and the common room.   Melissa stopped, realizing something.

"What is it?" BriRi asked her.

"Well... er... we don't have a password; how do we get in?" she asked timidly.

"Weren't you paying attention when we got into Gryffindor Tower?!"

"Uh..."

"Don't answer that," BriRi sighed, knowing Melissa was too excited at the prospect of seeing anything associated with Ron Weasley to give a damn how they got there.  "You use THIS-" she whipped out a black, raindrop-shaped object with a large, yellow, shiny button on top of it.

"What is it?" Melissa asked curiously.

"This, my friend," BriRi announced proudly, "this is a Password Bleeper."

"Say what?"

"A Password Bleeper.  The first of its kind.  Makes-Things was good enough to give me his demo.  Observe."  BriRi pointed the tapered end at the stone wall, and with gusto pressed down on the button.

"Salazar," it emitted in a tinny voice.  "Snake.  Pureblood.  Voldemort.  Muggles suck.  Mudbloods suck too.  Professor Snape.  Parseltongue.  Gryffindor sucks a lot.  Death Eater.  Tom Riddle.  Dark Arts-"

The stone wall suddenly revealed a hairline fracture in the form of an opening.  Grinning, BriRi pushed it open.  "You see, when Hogwarts is in a Mary Sue shape, the passwords are basically a bunch of b.s.- anything that relates even remotely to the house in question.  That's where the Bleeper comes in.  It spews forth a ton of those words- there's up to a thousand for each house.  The password is bound to be one of them."

"Ingenious."

"I know.  I practically glomped Makes-Things when he gave it me," BriRi said mildly as she entered.

Melissa had to admit that the Slytherin common room was very impressive.  Although most all of the furniture was made of stone, the couches and chairs were covered in various cushions of green and purple.  The fireplace was larger than Gryffindor's, with a silver snake curled about the mantle.

Falling into a high-backed chair, BriRi took the time to gaze at the Words.

"What are we missing?" Melissa asked.

"Not much."

"Now, Miss Thomas, I am right in guessing that Mr. Potter has told you about the four houses?" Professor Dumbledore said, "Which do you think you'd be in? Which do you think she'd be in Harry?"

"I don't think she'd be in Slytherin. Maybe Ravenclaw, or Gryffindor." Harry answered after studying Kay-Lee again

"Miss Thomas?" Professor Dumbledore asked

"I agree with Harry, Gryffindor." Kay-Lee answered.


"HA!"

BriRi threw Melissa an odd glance at her sudden exclamation.

"She's going to be put in Gryffindor," Melissa continued smugly.  "I'm going to win that little bet of ours."

"We shall see," BriRi clucked as she closed her eyes, dearly hoping that she wouldn't lose and be subjected to the horror of twenty packages of Twinkies.

=====

A few hours passed in blessed peace.  BriRi was reading a large thick book that seemed to be in French, and that Melissa couldn't particularly read.  Digging out some week-old leftover chow mien, Melissa crunched thoughtfully on a water chestnut and said, "She starts lessons tomorrow."

"Meaning there's another huge time shift really soon," BriRi sighed, looking at her watch.  "Three- two- one-"

Nothing happened.  Melissa snorted, but was quickly cut short as her face was thrown forth into her nifty little Chinese container.  BriRi slammed into the stone floor and was promptly out cold.

Wiping noodles off her face hurriedly, Melissa looked in her backpack for an ice pack, miraculously found one, and placed it on the back of BriRi's head (having no medicinal knowledge wasn't a good thing for a PPC agent).  Then she brought out the CAD and the Cloak and pointed it at the entering Dumbledore. 

[Albus Dumbledore.  Human male.  Canon character. Out of character 87.32%]

"Definitely a charge," she muttered, writing it on the ever-growing list.  Then Melissa watched in boredom as Kay-Lee was, as per usual, perfect at making potions.

"That was very good. You've already learned what it normally takes a class one week." Professor Dumbledore congratulated Kay-Lee.

"Goddamned good for her," Melissa snapped.

Another time shift took the two agents into a large classroom.  BriRi remained unconscious.  Annoyed and concerned, Melissa checked her pulse just to make sure that her partner was still alive.  Suddenly, she realized that the ice pack had been left in the dungeons.

"Damn it," she swore furiously.  "I can't just leave it there..." Melissa pulled out her wand, looked over her shoulder to make sure that Kay-Lee was currently preoccupied with her DADA class, and whispered "Accio ice pack," whilst pointing the wand in what she hoped was the general direction of the dungeons.

On the school grounds, a non-existent (in the story, anyway) Hagrid chuckled as he watched some object zoom by him, then into a random classroom.

Melissa snatched it before either of the characters caught sight of it, hastily replaced it on BriRi's chest (was that supposed to help someone regain consciousness?  She couldn't remember) and turned to watch the lesson.  Then just as Kay-Lee blocked another disarming spell, Melissa noticed that she didn't recognize the professor teaching the class.  Pulling out BriRi's CAD she found

[  ?  Nissus.  Human male wizard.  Non-canon.  Bit character.]

"We have to kill him too, don't we," she realized.  Any non-canonical characters, MS or bit, were required to die before the canon would shift back to normal.  Melissa scanned the Words and realized that this was the last time that the DADA professor showed up.  She also realized that he would have to be killed now, and as BriRi was out of it, the task fell to her.  "Lovely," she grumbled.

Kay-Lee and Dumbledore left, after he had complimented her on her perfect performance.  "Wait... why's he here if there's another professor teaching the girl?" Melissa wondered out loud.  She cast the thought from her mind as the door slammed, then turned to the professor.

"Hi there," she said, somewhat nervously.  The professor spun around and stared at her, noticing her for the first time.

"Who are you?" he demanded.  "What are you doing here?!"

"Um," replied Melissa, who was really very unsure of what she was supposed to be doing.

"I'm going to have to report you," he continued, staring at her.

"No time for that, unfortunately," Melissa said quickly, finally recovering.  "Um... since you don't have a first name indicated anywhere, I'll call you Professor Nissus.  Anyway, you are formally charged with... well not a whole lot really, being a non-canonical bit character, taking part in a large plot hole, and for never using any dialogue.  Uh, no hard feelings or anything, but I'm gonna have to kill you now."

Professor Nissus stared at her.  "This is insane," he muttered, his fingers reaching towards his wand.

Panic-stricken, Melissa whipped her own wand out, her hand shaking.  She had never heard of agents being killed by non-canonical characters before, but she was sure that it was possible and didn't really want to find out.  Now what was that spell again?  She'd never read Goblet of Fire, and had until then been relying completely on BriRi for any needed wandwork.  Well, there's always a first time, she thought in an abysmal attempt to make her feel more prepared for what she was about to do.  "A-avada kedavry?" Melissa almost asked her wand.

Green light shot out of her wand and onto Professor Nissus, and a large BANG went off, jolting BriRi to her senses.

"DEATH TO APPLES!" she screamed, "kill those bloody fruit!"  Melissa prodded her and she quieted, rubbing her head.  "What just happened?"

"You were out of it, and I had to kill the bit character."

"Avada Kedavra generally doesn't make any noise."

"It- oh, crap..." Melissa turned to where Professor Nissus had been standing and was dismayed to find that instead of a still corpse there was now a very much alive white mouse.

BriRi stared at it blankly.  Finally she asked tonelessly, "Melissa, what did you do."

"I just said the curse... at least, I think it was the curse..."

Sighing, BriRi reprimanded her partner, "In wandwork, you have to get the charm precisely right, else it won't work."

"Oh." To clear up her faux pas somewhat, Melissa hurriedly asked, "So what are we going to do with... that?"  She pointed to the mouse, whose whiskers were twitching.

"I don't know," BriRi said as she picked herself up.  "We'll have to keep it for now."  Hitting the mouse with a Stunning Spell to ensure that it wouldn't run off, she put the once-Professor into her backpack and secured it tightly.

"So now what?" Melissa asked tenuously.

"Back to Slytherin I suppose."  The two agents trudged out of the classroom and to the common room.  "You're gripping your wand still," BriRi noticed.

"Oh," Melissa realized and loosened her tight grip.

BriRi looked at her partner with what might have been sympathy.  "Yeah, I know," she said softly, surprising Melissa.  "The first killing's always kinda tough in a new continuum."

"Yeah," Melissa blinked.  "I really wasn't sure of what I was doing."

"I think that's why you screwed the spell sideways.  You have to be CONFIDENT, you have to have some measure of control over what you're doing, or else it won't work correctly."  BriRi was about to continue when she suddenly sneezed loudly.  And sneezed again.

"Uh, you okay?" Melissa asked.  Considering how much BriRi had already been beaten up this story, a cold was all that she needed.

"I- ACHOOOO- forgot to take m-ACHOOOO- medication today!  Damn it- ACHOOOO!" BriRi reached for a handkerchief to wipe the mucus off her face, and threw her backpack to the ground.  After a few deep breaths, she seemed back to normal, or as normal as BriRi usually was anyway.  "I'm allergic to most animals, but I didn't know that mice were on the list."

"Aiya."

"You're going to have to take the mouse in YOUR backpack."

"Sure."  Melissa picked the still mouse up by the tail and deposited it somewhat carelessly into her backpack.  "So what were we doing?  Heading to the common room?"

"Yep.  Unless you want to watch Kay-Lee be, again, astounding in her History of Magic class."

"Something I'd rather miss, I'm sure," Melissa replied, shaking her head heavily.  "Why are all of these professors working so hard just to make it convenient for one damned student?"

"Because she's a Mary Sue," BriRi answered simply.

=====

The next few days passed for BriRi in relative boredom.  She was halfway through reading a book she'd borrowed from the library for spare time reading during missions, called
Contes de Fées à Caractère Violent (considering that the PPC library seemed to have no books in English, BriRi was quite glad she'd taken French in high school, else she would've been bored to death on missions).  Melissa whiled the hours away watching the Words for any action.

"Don't you have anything better to do?" BriRi had asked her in exasperation one night.

"Nope," Melissa had answered in an unperturbed manner.  Shrugging, BriRi had turned back to her book.

"Today's the day all of the prefects are coming back," Melissa told her on their fifth day in the story.

"That is so completely stupid," BriRi scoffed.  "Does it not specifically state in Sorcerer's Stone that Percy, a prefect, goes on the train at the same time as the other students?"

"I wouldn't know," Melissa admitted.  "But I agree that it's really quite dumb."

A time shift suddenly lifted all thoughts from their minds as the two agents were hurled into a large room with many characters, several canonical and the rest bits.  Melissa squealed when she caught sight of Ron (how he'd gotten to be a prefect BriRi wasn't sure, except for the fact that he was Harry's friend), and only shut up when BriRi menacingly brought out her duct tape.

The prefects went into little huddling groups and made up stupid passwords.  BriRi took this time to program the new passwords into her Password Bleeper.  After ten minutes or so, the prefect meeting ended and Harry led Ron and Hermione to meet Kay-Lee.

Once they got to the common room, Harry made introductions and everyone started to talk about what Kay- Lee was doing with Dumbledore.

"Well, he says I'm already up to second year and some third year classes." Kay-Lee said.

"Wow, congratulations. That's two years in only two weeks." Hermione said.

"Yeah." She said coldly


"Why's she being bitchy to Hermione?" BriRi asked angrily.  Hermione was one of her favorite characters (besides the Potions Master, of course) as she could relate to her the most, and to see her mocked made her very annoyed, to say the least.

"I dunno; PMS?"

BriRi actually laughed.  "PMS: Pre-Mary-Sue."

"Ha.  Well, if that's the case, then I'm PMS-y all the time."

"Same here," BriRi said with a smile, albeit an evil one.

Harry, Ron and Hermione left Kay-Lee and began to discuss the MS amongst themselves.

"WHY is their fifth-year-life completely involving Kay-Lee?" Melissa asked in irritation, tugging at her hair.  "Don't they have better things to talk about?!"

"You'd think," BriRi responded sourly.

They watched in boredom as Kay-Lee struggled with inner conflict about her parents and her distrust for Muggles.

"That's really horrible.  She thought that she was a Muggle up until now, for Eru's sake!" BriRi said in disgust.

Melissa shook her head, giving up in trying to understand.  "Can't we charge her yet?"

"Unfortunately, no," BriRi admitted.  "Not that we don't have enough, but she hasn't shown her Sue-ness yet in trying to snog one of the canonical characters."

Sighing, Melissa asked, "So how long do we have to wait?"

"Hopefully not too long.  Then again, who knows."  BriRi actually smiled as she heard her partner groan.

=====

Both agents were impatient for the next time shift, as they wanted to charge the Sue and get out of there as quickly as possible.  So they were both unsurprised when a sudden jerk took them outside.  Blinking, Melissa looked up and saw Harry, Ron, Hermione and Kay-Lee.

"It's really nice out, want to go sit by the lake?" Harry asked.

"Alright" they all answered. Once they got to the lake, they decided to walk around it. Then at the far end, something happened. A large snake slithered out of the bushes and came face to face with Harry.

"In sssix month time, the ssserpentsss daughter will arissse more powerful than the ssserpent himssself, and only the Lion, Eagle and Badger, combined can defeat her." The snake hissed. Kay-Lee paled.


"What is it?" Ron asked

"I-I-I-I understood it!" she answered

"Oh gods," Melissa muttered.

"Stupid prophecy, check..." BriRi fished out the notepad that had all of the numerous charges written on it and evaluating it.

The three canonical characters and the Mary Sue began discussing what they'd just seen.

"I don't need to hear this," Melissa said.  "It's really too obvious what's going to happen next."

"Yep," BriRi said happily.  "Kay-Lee IS Voldemort's daughter, and the three others are founder's heirs.  How original."

"And stupid."

"And canon-destroying," BriRi finished.  "Grab her."

"We have enough charges?" Melissa asked confused.  "We can't prove she's a MS, she never had any romantic-"

"Grab her," BriRi repeated.

Melissa grinned and headed over to the four, whipped out her wand, and smiled brightly as she pointed it at the MS.  "Hey, Kay-Lee?"

Kay-Lee turned in shock.  "Me?"

"Yeah, you," BriRi joined them.  "Kelly/Kay-Lee Ann Thomas, you are officially charged with," she took a deep breath before launching into, "introducing a non-canonical character who has a dark and tortured past- very cliche I might add, dearie- having poorly worded sentencing, confusing the reader- namely me- by having two names, but I think that you could also be charged with trying to have a cutesy nickname which is actually horrendously stupid, using horrid sentence structuring, trying to pull off that you've read the series by the acclaimed J.K. Rowling when you clearly haven't, using an adjective when you needed an adverb- though I doubt you'd know the difference between the two- having a gross overuse of pronouns, overusing the word 'abusive'- thesauruses WERE invented for a reason, you know- using too many Goddamned sudden, inappropriate and confusing time shifts with no explanation,  for using very grammatically incorrect punctuation, not making sense in the least, disrupting canon by having all the prefects arrive early, screwing majorly with the characters of Harry, Ron and ESPECIALLY Dumbledore, being a complete bitch to Hermione for no justifiable reason, being Voldemort's daughter and trying to be sneaky about it, and for being a self-inserted non-canonical character."  She looked up and nodded at Melissa.  "Go on."

Melissa inhaled and pointed her wand at Kay-Lee.  "Any last, non-sappy words?" she asked scornfully.

"You cannot do this to me," Kay-Lee said smugly, pulling out her own wand (although the Author had never specified her owning one).  "I am the heir of Lord Voldemort, and I've inherited all of his Dark Powers!"  Harry, Ron and Hermione sat there stupidly blinking.

"Yeah, yeah, nice to know," BriRi rolled her eyes.  "Honey, hate to break it to ya, but ole Voldie doesn't have a daughter, much less an illegitimate one."

"
Accio wand," Melissa said, and Kay-Lee's wand rushed out of her hand and into Melissa's outstretched one.

BriRi raised her eyebrows in surprise.  "Good one."

"Thanks," Melissa grinned and turned back to Kay-Lee.  "I'll take that answer as a 'no'."  She breathed one last time before muttering, "Imperio."

BriRi raised her eyebrows even higher, then smiled her trademark evil smile as Melissa concentrated hard for a moment.  Suddenly, Kay-Lee ran into the lake.  Straight into the giant squid, actually.  As Melissa had planned.  There were few Mary-Sues who could resist the Imperius Curse.

"That was good!" BriRi congratulated her partner.

Melissa opened her eyes (not realizing that she'd closed them) and smiled.  "Thank you."  Something like that was extreme praise coming from BriRi.

A large squelching sound was heard, and the giant squid smiled.  It didn't normally seem to get fresh meat.

A twist was felt as the canon shifted back into place, and Harry, Ron and Hermione were gone.  "Where'd they go?" asked Melissa.

"Back to their homes, I'm guessing," BriRi answered, waving merrily to the giant squid, who squirted ink in her direction as a reply.  "They weren't supposed to be here in the first place, after all."  She opened the portal and both agents stepped through, back to the comforting glow of the computer console and-

"OINK!!" CynicalGiantCow, well, oinked as BriRi dove onto her beloved duck.

"I've misshed oo sooo much!" she cooed as she hugged the poor thing to near suffocation.  Melissa dumped her backpack on the ground and collapsed onto the couch.

"Hey, not so fast," BriRi told her as she got off the floor, CynicalGiantCow pressed firmly to her hip.  "Two articles of business to take care of."

"Ugh, can't they wait?" Melissa grumbled.

"Unfortunately, no," BriRi answered as she pulled out what looked like a walkie-talkie and dialed a twenty-digit number into it.  "We've gotta get rid of Alfred."

"Alfred?"

"The mouse."

"Oh, you mean Professor Nissus?"

"Yes, but his name is now Alfred," BriRi said.  "I mean, he can't very well be a DADA professor anymore, now can he?"  Melissa shrugged and reached into her backpack for the stunned mouse.

"Hello?" BriRi said into the walkie-talkie-thing, apparently having reached a connection.  "Hello?  Hey there, Polaris.  Yeah, this is BriRi.  You know, from five corridors and ten floors down?...  Yeah!  ...Oh, not too much, just got back from a mission.  How 'bout you?  ...Good, good.  Hey, you know that menagerie you set up a few missions back?  Excellent.  Well, how'd you like us to add to it?  ... It's a mouse.  ...Well, train Meringue better. ...No, we can't keep him!  Melissa knows nothing about taking care of the poor animals, she'd probably end up killing it, and I'm allergic to the little buggers.  ...Everything except ducks and Mini-Balrogs, you know that.  ...Well, unless you want us to bring the mouse back and feed him to Mrs. Norris!  He's a former bit character. ...Oh, good.  I knew Meringue wouldn't eat anything associated with a Mary-Sue story.  ...Yes I know he was in one, but he's smart, he doesn't want to poison himself.  ...Oh, how did the bit turn into a mouse?  Long story, Melissa... my new partner, you know.  Anyway, she screwed up a spell, and instead of killing the poor guy he's now a mouse.  ...Yeah.  Okay, do you want me to send Schelob over?  ...Oh, you're already outside.  Excellent!  See ya."  BriRi pressed a button (presumably to hang up) and opened the door.

"Who's Schelob?" Melissa asked.

"My Mini-Balrog," BriRi answered proudly.  "Unfortunately, he's off hunting at the moment I believe, so it's better that Polaris offered to-"

BriRi was cut short as the door was suddenly pushed open.  A short, harried-looking girl wearing the oddest ensemble Melissa had ever seen stood there.  She had a green vest over a purple shirt on, along with black slacks, boots, and the mandatory cactus patch.  "Whoa, you two look like crap," she said as way of introduction.

"Thanks," BriRi replied with a scowl.  "We DID just get back from a mission where each of us was beat up many, many times."  She counted on her fingers.  "Seven for me, to be exact.  Time shifts are more painful in some stories."

"Ah."  Polaris scratched her head.  "Where's the mouse?"

"Melissa's got him," BriRi answered, indicating her.  "My newest partner, Melissa.  This is Agent Polaris.  She works-"

"Way the hell away from here," Polaris interrupted.  "Long walk for me, you know."

"I would've sent Schelob over," BriRi retorted.  "Anyway, Polaris works in HP:MS also."

"Hello, Melissa," Polaris continued brightly.  "Nice to meet you."

"Same here," Melissa replied, somewhat warily, but shaking the proffered hand all the same.

"How'd your mission go at HFA?" BriRi asked.

"Oh, fine."  Polaris shook her head wearily.  "You would NOT believe all the pervy-Draco-fanciers they have at that school!  I pity Meir Brin ever so deeply."

"I'm sorry.  I'm glad that Severus isn't so lusted after," BriRi commented unhelpfully.

Polaris glared at BriRi, but took the rat from Melissa and inspected him closely.  "What's his name?"

"Used to be Professor Nissus, but now he's Alfred."

"Okay," Polaris smiled.  "No, Meringue won't have a problem, as long Alfred used to be a bit."  Noticing Melissa's confused stare, she continued, "My cat.  We also have an osprey named Quiche.  And two Mini-Balrogs and two Mini-Aragogs."

"Cool beans," Melissa said with interest.

Taking her wand, Polaris muttered something under her breath, and Alfred the mouse was wriggling once again.  "Hope Aria doesn't have a fit."

"If she does, tell her to answer to us," BriRi said.  "And if you'll excuse us, we have one last article of business to clear up."

Polaris nodded.  "I need to go now anyway.  Mission," she rolled her eyes.  "If you get any more animals, send them with Schelob to us.  Buhbye!"  She left the room, closing the door with a slam behind her.

"What did you mean, 'we have one last article of business to clear up'?" Melissa asked, narrowing her eyes.

BriRi grinned her evil grin and dumped twenty packages of Twinkies into Melissa's lap.  "Enjoy!"

=====

{Melissa's A/N: BLARGH!  Twinkies!  ::vomits::}

{BriRi's A/N: Muahaha.  This should be interesting.  Anyway, Agents Polaris and Aria belong respectively to themselves and are being used with permission.  I think.  Anyway, we had permission to add to their menagerie.  (If you two are offended by our non-permissionly ways, we're sorry!  And we'll change our disclaimer to better suit you, or something.)

Hrmm.  ::is poked by Melissa:: What?   ...Oh, right. ::sighs:: An apology to Ryelle-of-Slytherin.  But ya can't say ya didn't deserve it.  Annyways!  Sorry for the delay, seeing as Melissa and I only had spare moments during weekends I'm not surprised it took us this long.  Hopefully we'll update again soon.  Send those badfics in!  Bye all!}
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