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LeoD of the PPC Presents:
Oliver Wood Is Not A Transvestite
Melissa was not in a good mood.  Of course, generally speaking, one was never in a good mood after arriving back at Headquarters from a Mary-Sue escapade.  And this particular one had been worse than normal.  Legolas had been snuggling up to a bratty slut who whined all the time about Legolas, who really didn't notice as he was spending all of his time composing a poem for his "fiar lady".  So it was that Melissa found herself storming towards the office of the Director Personnel.  Usually such a journey from her office could take up to hours, but as Melissa was currently preoccupied with anger and malicious thoughts, it took less than five minutes.

After knocking once and receiving no reply, Melissa lost any remaining strands of patience and merely stormed into the office.  A daisy in a pot sat on the center of the desk, using several long snaky tendrils to absentmindedly flip through paperwork.  Clearing her throat did nothing to attract its attention, nor did an icy glare followed by more throat-clearing.  Melissa closed her eyes, took a deep breath, and--

"I'VE HAD ENOUGH!"

--essentially blew up.

//
Ah, we're nice and cheery today, are we not?// Marquis de Sod replied idly, still not looking up.

"ENOUGH, I TELL YOU!  ENOUGH!!"

//
What is it now?//

Pleased that she had finally captured the spotlight (in a melodramatic sense) though having lost none of her anger, Melissa continued, “I’ve had enough of working in the Department of Mary-Sues!”

//
Is that all?  We have been through this before--//

"Couldn't I be transferred to another department?  Like, the Department of Bad Slash?  Or the Department of Godawful Parodies?  Or even the Department of Disturbing Acts of Violence!  For Eru's sake, I've been in Mary-Sues my entire career!!"  This was accompanied by an exaggerated swoon and a hand pressed to the forehead.

//
Your "entire career" is comprised of exactly 19.41907 days.  Not exactly something to brag about.//

"Oh, what difference does that make," Melissa sniffled.  "Why must I suffer in this continuous haze of never-ending, nauseating Legomances?!"

//
There's a shortage in your department,// the daisy replied crossly.  //You know that.//

"But-"

//
Good day.//  Marquis de Sod turned back to his paperwork.

"I am going insane here!!"

//
Then why in the name of all things holy did you accept a job at the PPC?!?//

Choosing to ignore that last question, Melissa tried a different track.  "What about just a temporary transfer?  Just like a tiny kind-of vacation?  Well, not really a vacation, since I'd be working, but still- the CHANGE would be like a sweet breath of air from within the fire choked with ash!  An oasis for the traveler in the desert!  A-"

//
Very original metaphors,// the daisy said sarcastically, though used to Melissa's constant drama and exaggeration

"It would just be temporary," she wheedled.  "C'mon, you can't ignore other Departments just because one is a bloody asylum."

//
Very WELL!// snapped Marquis de Sod.  //If it might possibly get you off my back for a microsecond, there IS a Department with an Opening.//

Melissa held her breath.  Even though she'd been at the PPC for little more than a fortnight, she knew enough to know that Openings were very rare.  At least, Openings offered to current agents.

//
You'd be transferred to the Harry Potter Continuum-// he was cut short by Melissa jumping up and squealing, "YES, YES, YE GODS BE THANKED YES!!"

//
-in the same Department.  Is that reasonable?//

"Yes, yes," Melissa said, excitement apparent in her voice.  It was MUCH better than she'd dared to hope for.  "Anything, ANYTHING to get away from 'Leggy-chan' and 'Gwen' falling 'passionately in luv'-"

//
Excellent.  Your new partner is in  Room 1986.  Now begone.//

Merrily whistling now that her problem had been resolved, Melissa practically skipped away from the Director's office, leaving behind a daisy that resumed muttering to itself about overhyper agents; in her euphoria, she nearly ran into the elevator.  In little time she reached Room 1986.  Now her over-high energy level would finally do her harm, as Melissa swung the door open without bothering to knock, and-

"AAARRRGGHHHHAAAGGGAAAAH!!!"

Melissa crumpled to the floor, throwing an arm over her eyes and twitching sporadically.  "Are you okay?" asked a tentative female voice near her ear.

"I'm BLINDED!  Yeeaaggh!  My EYES!"

"Oh, for the love of the goddess," the other voice muttered to itself.  Soon Melissa felt blessed relief come in the form of a cool damp cloth.  She pressed it hard against her eyes, trying very hard to block out what her eyes had just registered and failing miserably.

Five minutes later, Melissa felt the pain from her eyes dwindle, and she managed to squint blearily.  The features of a girl now wearing a blue ski cap with yellow polka dots stared back at her.

"And THAT is why you should always knock," the ski-cap-adorned girl informed Melissa.  "That way, I have time to put on this-" pointing to the cap-"and you won't go into spasms."

"What WAS that?" she whimpered, her hyped-up energy evaporating instantly.

"You mean my hair?"  Melissa nodded.  "It's dyed urple."

"Why would anyone dye their hair in THAT particular color?" she asked, shuddering.

"Well, the PPC doesn't come with an ample stock of hair dye, because it’s Miss Cam's line," the girl explained logically.  "And at the time, 'urple' sounded more appealing than 'gushy-green'."

"Ah."

"Now I realize I was clearly mistaken, but it can prove to be useful at times," she said with a shrug.

Melissa shook her head.  There were evils in this world that she had been warned about many times before, and the color 'urple' was one of them. "Well, assuming this is Room- um- 1986, then I am your new partner."

The strange girl grinned, an odd sort of grin if truth be told.  "Howyadoin'.  I'm BriRi," she introduced herself, extending her hand.

"Melissa," she replied, shaking the proffered hand.  "Erm- BriRi- is that short for something?"

"Yeah," BriRi grimaced.  "Bririellarordamorekiana."

"Say what?"  Melissa blinked, not quite comprehending.

"Bririellarordamorekiana,"she repeated.

"Ouch."

"Tell me about it," she rolled her eyes.  "Needless to say, I prefer to be called BriRi."

A mooing sound extended from one corner.  Perking up immensely and cutting short Melissa's next question, BriRi raced to the corner.  "And this is CynicalGiantCow, my next of kin."  She brandished the enormous stuffed yellow duck out to Melissa.

"Erm- hi," Melissa said, not quite sure what to make of him-her-it.

"Oink," said CynicalGiantCow.

"Isn't he HUGGABLE and ADORABLE?" BriRi asked proudly, hugging the duck very fiercely.

Melissa merely nodded in reply; she had heard odd things about the other Continuums, but nothing about agents with pet ducks who sounded like pigs and were named after cows.  Admittedly, she had been told of stranger things than said ducks.  Luckily (or perhaps, not so luckily for Melissa), the sound of an explosion blared through the soundspeakers, nearly deafening her.

"What in-" she shouted to be heard over the racket

"Relax," BriRi interrupted, yelling back.  "Just the computer console."  She raced over to it and slammed the alarm off, and began reading the words appearing on the screen.  "Say, are you a recruit?"

"Nope," replied Melissa happily, deciding that after two weeks and still surviving at the PPC, one could not be called a recruit.

"Excellent," BriRi nodded with approval.  "What Department were you switched from?"

"I was still in the Department of Mary Sues, just in the LOTR Continuum."

"Ah.  Then you know what we're up against."

"Yes.  This can't be worse than what I've been through."

BriRi raised an eyebrow at that statement, but said nothing.  Pushing several strands of urple-dyed hair behind her ear and tucking them securely under the ski cap (and in the process making Melissa wince) , BriRi muttered, "Oh, this is a doozy."

Her interest sparking, Melissa leaned over.  "I mean, just look at the introduction," BriRi continued.

Peering closely at the words, Melissa read: "
It’s Oliver’s last year at Hogwartz and her girlfriend (3rd cousin) is still at Hogwartz. He’s now thinking about after he graduates, what will happen to his relationship with Alex? He doesn’t want to let her go, but she’s 3 years younger than him (the fact that she went to Hogwartz when she was 12 years old because her parents got confused with another letter that had a certain date for the day that Alex’s dad would go to work and the date of the first day of classes. So they missed the train by an hour, and the parents sent a letter to Dumbledore saying that she will start the following year.)"

Melissa blinked.  Several times.  "Hogwartz?" she finally managed.  "'Her girlfriend '?  Oliver is not a girl!!"

"Only the introduction and we've already got charges," BriRi grumbled.  "How is the reader supposed to understand that paragraph?"

"Does the reader really want to?"  Melissa already felt sickened.

"Good point."  BriRi shoved miscellaneous items into a backpack, then shouldered it and hugged goodbye to CynicalGiantCow.  "Mummy's got a mission now.  She'll be back later, donchoo worry!" she cooed to the stuffed duck.

"Oink," CynicalGiantCow replied.

Melissa reached for her own backpack and was about to step through the portal when halted by BriRi's arm.  "Do you have everything you need?"

Turning, Melissa opened her backpack and showed its contents to her new partner.  "I've got a Character Anaylsis Device, a pack of cards, leftover chow mein from the Cafe, CD player."

"Weapons?" asked BriRi with a frown.  In reply Melissa pulled out a vicious-looking knife and several arrows (her bow was currently being fixed by Makes-Things).  BriRi shook her head.  "That won't do at all."

"What?"

"In LOTR continuum, those are common weapons to Middle-Earth, so they're acceptable," BriRi explained.  "But in the world of Harry Potter, what's the weapon used most frequently?"

Melissa caught on quickly.  "Wands."

BriRi grinned again, a very nonassuring grin if truth be told.  "Excellent.  You're not hopeless after all."

Deciding to take that as a complement, Melissa re-heaved her backpack on her shoulders.  She stepped through the portal and took a deep breath.  Her first HP mission!  She'd always wanted to go to Hogwarts and see the HP cast.  Yeah, Middle-Earth was great, but it would've been a hell of a lot better if it wasn't continually bastardized by Mary Sue writers.

What Melissa wasn't realizing was that the world of Harry Potter would be bastardized as well.

=====

Stepping cheerfully through the portal, Melissa started to whistle tunelessly.  BriRi couldn't make out which song it was supposed to be, but judging by the beat it was something by Coldplay or Aerosmith.  She smiled evilly as she followed her new partner through; this was going to be interesting.  Even if she wasn't a recruit, it was very different switching between two continuums.  BriRi knew that from experience.

After throwing an Invisibility Cloak over herself and passing the other to Melissa, BriRi looked sideways to observe her reaction to this new world.  The taller girl frowned in confusion, "Where are we?"

Glancing at the Words, BriRi replied, "Says we're in our Sue's house."

"Non-canon?"

"Oh yeah."

“Alex!!!” Mrs. Levons called on her daughter. She barged in her room. “Alex!!!! Wake up!!! You’re going to Diagon Alley today remember?!” Alex moaned. She was tired and didn’t want to wake up. Her hair was frizzy and she stuffed her pillow on her face. She screamed. “Alex I told you it’s not good to scream on your pillow like that.” Her mom told her as she opened the curtains as the sun shined in. “Hurry up. Get up now and take a shower. You’re going with Oliver today.”


"Mauling the common comma, check," BriRi muttered to herself, scribbling away at a piece of notebook paper busily.

"What is she doing?" Melissa asked suddenly.  Looking up, BriRi could hardly suppress a laugh.

"That's bad description," she replied.  "So it shows up like that," pointing to the girl on the bed, who now had a pillow stuffed beneath her skin and was giving off a most unusual appearance.  "Check her out for canon rupturing."
Melissa pointed the CAD at her and clicked. 

[Alex Levons.  Human female.  Non-canon.  Mary Sue.]

"Yep, that's our girl," BriRi stated happily as Alex combed her hair and rushed down the stairs..  "Lusting over Oliver, I see.  Poor him.  I never really got why he's so popular amongst fangirls."

"Neither did I, I didn't find him all that attractive," Melissa shrugged.  "Now Ron, on the other hand..." she trailed off as a glassy-eyed expression set on her face.

"Mmhmm," BriRi said, amusement evident in her voice as they quietly trailed the Sue down the stairs, though there was little need to be quiet, as the phone suddenly rang.

"Isn't this supposed to be a wizard family?" whispered Melissa.

"Says later they bought one so they could contact their relatives."

"Mm.  And now she's calling up Oliver."

BriRi half-listened to the phone conversation, only paying attention when she realized it was nearly over.

“Cool! See you there! Love you! Bye!!” Oliver said.
“See you!! You too!!! Bye!!!” Alex hung up the phone.


"Exuberant use of the exclamation point, another check..." BriRi jotted down on the paper.

"They're going to Diagon Alley now?" Melissa asked impatiently.

"Yes... fish out your teleportation-thingy."

"My what?" Melissa stared blankly at her.

"Don't tell me you don't have one..."

"Okay then, I won't."

Sighing, BriRi pulled hers out of her backpack and a moment later the two found themselves in what might have been Diagon Alley in a former life.

"What's HAPPENED to it?!" Melissa gasped.  "This isn't what it should look like!!  Or at least I don't think it should, seeing as I've never seen the place before, but STILL!  What's happened?"

"Mary Sues happened," BriRi replied coolly.  "They'll be arriving by the... waitaminute, it's not the Night Bus you ignoramus!!" she yelled in annoyance to the Words.  "Knight Bus!!"

"Look, she totally screws up a spell she uses too," Melissa commented.  "Lumos Parel?  And the author clears herself by saying that she honestly had no idea what Hermione said in the movie."

"Oh THAT explains a lot of things," BriRi snapped as the 'Night Bus' pulled around the corner, and Alex and another girl hopped out.  "Wait... where's Oliver?"

Melissa skimmed the words and realization crept up on her.  "Uh... you know how the author said that Oliver was a girl in the prologue?..."

"Oh goddess no," BriRi moaned.  "Once I get my hands on that chick..." she made a snapping motion with her teeth and pointed the CAD at Alex's companion. 

[OliverOliverette Wood.  Human malefemalemalefemalefishbagelmalefemale.  Canon character. Out of character 67.19%]

"See, it's even got the CAD confused," she remarked.

They followed Oliver-ette and Alex into Flourish and Blott's.  "At least she spelled that right," Melissa pointed out.

Noticing something, BriRi frowned and asked, "Do you realize that Alex is four years younger than Oliver?"

"Doesn't surprise me," Melissa snorted.  "From what I've seen, most HP fangirls are preteens."

"Now they're going to the Cafe," BriRi said sardonically.  "That was a truly ingenious name."

"And here's Harry and the other Sue."  Melissa took the CAD from BriRi. 

[Kris Mei.  Human female.  Noncanon.  Mary Sue.]

“Sorry we’re late!” Kris apologized.
“I tell you, bunch of crazy people out there.” Harry said as he sat down.” Harry said.


"Improper use of the quotation mark and redundancy..." BriRi gave up trying to write everything down and sat at a handy nearby table.  Where this table was exactly, the author did not specify, as she was focusing her attentions on the group, who was chatting amiably away about nothing.  BriRi checked out Harry's status, but as he was only 18.02% OOC, she let it go.

"Since when have Oliver and Harry hung out together all the time?" Melissa asked stupidly.

BriRi shot Melissa a look similar to the one earlier.

"Ah."

After they finished lunch they all said goodbye to each other and left. Oliver and Alex rode the night Bus back to Alex’s house. Their first day of school would be tomorrow.

"That's a shocker," Melissa said sarcastically.  "Get there tonight?"

"Definitely."

=====

"Okay, I know I should have expected something, but nothing like this!!"

"That was still no reason to yell and attract Filch's attention," BriRi sourly replied.  She and Melissa were currently cramped in a large suit of armor, which they had hidden in after Filch heard Melissa yell in horror at her first look of the school in its Mary-Sue-ized state.  Sighing, BriRi attempted to comfort her partner.  "Don't worry.  Remember, this is 'Hogwartz'.  It's not like this in real life."

"It'd better not," grumbled Melissa.

From behind the slots in the suit's facepiece BriRi saw Filch shuffling down the hall and suddenly pause.  Mrs. Norris mewled and slunk around his ankles.  BriRi held her breath tenuously and prayed that Melissa had enough sense to do the same.  After a few uncomfortable moments, Filch spoke softly, "They were here, my sweet, but they've disappeared.  Let's check Potter's hidden passages...  I'll show him hidden passages..." The muttering slowly died away with Filch's departure, and BriRi let her breath out in relief.

"Not one of the more pleasant experiences I've had," she informed Melissa.

"I should hope not," she replied, looking up where the Words should be.

"They're not going to get here until tomorrow," BriRi told her, rearranging her ski cap so that it hid any trace of urple-ness.

"I know that.  I'm wondering what we've lost on the train trip."

"Hmm, nothing much.  Just Angelina and Alicia breaking up with- wait, WHAT?!"

"Oh dear lord."

"Whose stupid idea was it for George and Fred to go out with Angelina and Fred?!"

"Obviously the author's."

"Gah."  BriRi shuddered and after looking down both ways of the corridor.

"Um, where are we going to sleep?" Melissa asked to change the subject.

"Hmm... I'd say go to one of the dormitories now since no one's here.  Which would you prefer?"

"I never got Sorta-Sorted," Melissa admitted.

"You didn't?" BriRi asked in surprise.  "Well, we can't exactly do that now... when we get back ask the SO about that.  But I think that our Sues are in Gryffindor-"

"-big surprise-"

"-so we should go there tonight."

"Oooh, fun."  Melissa perked up.  And she was even more excited when they reached the common rooms.
"Look at all the cushy pillows!  And the fireplace- and the mantle- is that real bronze?- and the tables... oooh shiny..." In breathless wonder she stroked the smooth wooden surface.  "And the rugs, and the carpeting- it's so springy and soft!- And-"

BriRi rolled her eyes at her partner's jubilation; she'd been in the Gryffindor common room, and after a while it became commonplace.  "You should see the Slytherin room- this is nothing compared to it."

"Slytherin doesn't seem like it'd be very comfortable," Melissa replied facedown on a couch, her face smothered by the pillow she was leaning on.

"No, perhaps not.  But it's more decorative and spiffy."  Not to mention a certain Potions Master was the Head of that House...

Snapping out of it, BriRi realized her partner had fallen asleep on the couch.  She smiled wryly and grappled in her backpack for a six-pack of Diet Vanilla Coke.  Sure, they could ban her off the real stuff, but BriRi was an expert at finding loopholes.  Besides, they shouldn't care all that much.  Drinking diet gave her nowhere near the side effects she received when guzzling down the regular stuff.

BriRi went back to Melissa, who was now snoring contentedly, and shook her shoulder none too gently.  "I can show you where Ron sleeps-"

Springing immediately out of bed, Melissa demanded, "Wherewherewhere-"

If BriRi had not quickly sidestepped Melissa, her can of Diet Vanilla Coke would have been knocked out of her hand.  Grabbing it to her chest protectively, BriRi threw her an indignant look and pointed up the stairways.  Melissa became a blur as she bounded up the steps four at a time.  Shaking her head, BriRi retreated back to the couch.  "If you can't beat 'em, join 'em," she muttered to herself as justification before dozing off.

=====

Melissa yawned and blinked tiredly at her irate partner.  What was BriRi doing up here anyway?  It's not like they had to leave the common room anytime soon.  And she was having fun.  This was Ron's bed after all.  His head had graced this pillow, these blankets had warmed his body.  She breathed in deep- Melissa could vaguely smell Ron's scent.

And then there was BriRi standing right next to the bed, grappling through her backpack for what seemed to be- a trumpet?  And then a loud, off-key blast shattered her eardrum.

"GGGAAAAAHHH!" Melissa screamed as she jumped approximately five feet in the air, shedding all blankets and/or pillows and landing with a large *thump* on the floor.

"Heh.  Glad to know the old skills are still intact," smiled BriRi, patting her trumpet lovingly.

"WHAT WAS THE POINT OF THAT?!?"  Melissa shrieked, partly because she was irritated at BriRi and partly because if she didn't scream, she wasn't sure she'd be able to hear herself.

"Damned house-elves woke me up," BriRi growled.  "How was I supposed to know that stoking a fire would be so bloody loud?"

"And you woke ME up because??"

With a shrug, she replied, "Misery enjoys company."

"You nearly DEAFENED me!!" Melissa exclaimed.

"Your point?"

Melissa gave up, she clearly wasn't going to win this particular argument.  As she pulled herself up while nursing a sore bottom, she sent a Glare of Death™ to her partner, who in reply smirked.  "Hey, it got you up, didn't it?"

Limping downstairs and into the common room, a thought occurred to Melissa.  "What's for breakfast?" she asked whilst rubbing a throbbing ear.

"Whatever you brought along with you."

She stared at BriRi, who was pulling out of her seemingly-bottomless backpack two packages of Ding-Dongs.  Throwing one to Melissa, she grumbled, "I look out too much for you."

Melissa didn't really hear BriRi, as she was ripping apart the plastic and scarfing down the chocolate treat.  "I don't even like these," she said frowning.

"Get used to them.  They're a survival tool."  BriRi chewed hers more slowly.

"S'whadaedona?"

"I beg your pardon?"

Melissa swallowed.  "What do we do now?"

"Well, they don't come up here until after the Welcoming Feast."

"I want to see that!" Melissa said with excitement as she polished off the second Ding-Dong.  "I want to see Dumbledore and all the teachers, and the Sorting-"

"Don't bother," BriRi said grimly.  "Remember, this is 'Hogwartz'.  The author completely left out the Sorting."

"That's the most important part of the feast!!"

"I know."

"Can we add that to the list of charges?"

"Sure, if you can put it in words."

Melissa reached for the notepad, her fingers smudging chocolate on the paper, and wrote neatly the words 'messing with the Welcoming Feast by excluding the most important component, the Sorting' under BriRi's hastily scrawled and slightly illegible list.  Finished, she asked, "So back to my question.  What DO we do now?"

"You know how to play Egyptian Rat-Screw?" BriRi pulled out a deck of cards.

"Nope.  Poker?"

"I hate poker.  Gin?"

"Fine with me," and with Melissa's agreement, BriRi dealt the cards.

=====

"Do we have to leave now?" BriRi looked up at Melissa as she asked the question.

"No."  After winning numerous times, BriRi was in a particularly good mood.

"Okay," and thirty seconds later, "Now?"

"No," her good mood quickly disintegrating.

Fifteen seconds passed.  "Now?"

"For the love of the Goddess, no!" BriRi answered a little too loudly.  "We can stay here."

"How-"

"Quick, they're coming."  BriRi dragged Melissa into a corner and quickly threw a somehow-appearing Invisibility Cloak over the two of them as the portrait of the Fat Lady swung open and students crawled inside.

"Look at the Words," BriRi said softly with a snort of disgust.

Melissa looked up and saw: '
They all ate. They all ate in a rush and waited for dinner to end. Once it ended, they were itching to go to their dormitories. When they got to the common room, everyone else went straight to the dormitories.'

"Now THAT is bad description," Melissa said in wonder.

"Yeah, that's bad.  But I meant before that," BriRi pointed to the Words hanging over those Melissa has just read.  "One of the Sues, Kris I believe, is going to be on their Quidditch team."

"That's the one hanging on Harry, right?"

"Yeah.  Oliver-ette's Sue is already on it," BriRi said with a small growl.  "I don't think these authors understand that Quidditch isn't something you can just pick up unless you're gifted like Harry- and no one is."  She reached for the notepad and resumed writing.  "Anyway, that breaks the PPC Law of Quidditch."

"Which is?"

"If she's on a Hogwarts Quidditch team, she's a Sue."  BriRi peered more closely at the Words they'd missed during the train ride.  "Oh shiznet."

"Huh?"

"We'd missed something.  The author called it 'Platform 9'.  She left out the '¾'."

"Argh."

"Plus, look at this line."

"'Hello" Chorused the twins.

"I hate it when they muck with capitalization," Melissa muttered.  "Can we charge her yet?"

"Yes.  We have to wait 'til they get downstairs though."

Melissa watched in amusement as Alex belly-flopped onto Oliver-ette, and in even more amusement whe the two started to passionately kiss.  "It's a shame she doesn't realize she's kissing a transvestite."

Kris, Harry, Hermione and the twins came downstairs.  At least, that was what the author implied.  Instead, everyone came downstairs, with the above-mentioned being in the lead.

"Not being specific enough, check..." BriRi went back to her notepad.

"Okay, they're here, can we go already?!?"

"Yes," and BriRi threw the cloak over their heads to reveal the two of them.

Everyone present turned to gape at the two partners.  Melissa felt slightly self-conscious, but BriRi strode up confidently.  "Hi all."

"Who are you?" Ron asked dumbly, and Melissa mentally winced at seeing her lust object being belittled so.
"Sorry, no time for formalities," BriRi replied cheerfully.  "We've got some killing to do."

"What-" Alex began.

"You shut up.  Melissa, read her the charge list."

Snapping back into reality, Melissa fumbled with the pages and began to read, somewhat shakily at first, but her voice gaining confidence as she continued.  "Alex Levon, you are officially charged with misspelling Hogwarts and the Knight Bus, mistaking Oliver for a girl, using run-on sentences, using sentence fragments that really confuse the reader, misuse of the common comma and quotation marks, overly exuberant use of the exclamation point- just overall horrendous grammar and capitalization, screwing up Hermione's spell, screwing with the character of Oliver, calling it Platform 9 when it's Platform 9¾, messing with the Welcoming Feast by excluding the most important component, the Sorting, being on a Hogwarts Quidditch team, and being a Mary Sue."

"And you- Kris Mei," BriRi continued, pointing at the girl, who looked thoroughly confused- "you are officially charged with- well, basically the same things as your friend here: really bad grammar and capitalization, screwing with the character of Harry, messing with the Welcoming Feast, plotting to be on a Hogwarts Quidditch team, and being a Mary Sue.  Any last, non-sappy words, either of you?"

The two Sues stood stupidly, not fully comprehending that these two oddly-garbed people were about to cut short their lives.  But Harry and Oliver-ette stepped forward at the same time and said as one voice, "I will not let you harm her!"

"Synchronized.  How cute," BriRi snickered.

Alex blinked in shock.  "Oh.  My.  God.  Oliver's a girl?!?   I've been kissing a girl?!?"

Oliver-ette blinked as well.  "Alex honey, what are you talking-"

"Like, eeewwwwww!"  Alex screamed as she pulled herself away from the offending Oliver-ette.  "That is sooooo gross!  I could just, like, kill myself now for being so stupid!  Eww!!!"

"Don't worry, I'll do the honors," BriRi said with her evil grin forming, and quickly whipped out a wand.  "Get out of the way," she whispered to Melissa, who eagerly complied; as she didn't have a wand there was nothing she could really do anyway.  "
Avada Kedavra," and Alex was frozen forever, with a mask of horror planted on her face.
Swirling around, BriRi pointed her wand so that the beam would fire around Harry, repeated the process, and Kris was quite dead.

There was a sudden twist, and Melissa dropped to her knees to cling onto the fireplace as the world span around.  Just as suddenly everything halted, and she cautiously opened her eyes.  Everyone stood around blinking as realization of what had happened, and expressions of disgust settled on everyone's face, most particularly on those of Harry and Oliver (who was once again male).  Melissa looked at BriRi, who seemed very pleased.  "C'mon, grab her," she pointed at the body of Kris.  BriRi took Alex, and the two of them rid Hogwarts of the Sues by pushing the corpses through the portal.

"What are we going to do with them?"  Melissa waved a hand at the two dead Sues.

BriRi grinned again.

Ten minutes later, BriRi and Melissa stepped through the portal back to their office at the PPC, and the Whomping Willow was happily thrashing about with the now mangled bodies of Alex and Kris.

"Another job well done," BriRi said with satisfaction as she hopped on the couch and lay down.

"Yeah..." Melissa frowned.  "It was a lot different than I expected though."

"How so?"

"I'm not sure," admitted Melissa.  "I guess I was expecting something more like what I was assigned in the LOTR continuum."

"They aren't all that different, you know."

"In a sense, true.  In another, false."

Melissa lay on the floor and closed her eyes.  BriRi stretched luxuriously on the couch.

"We really gotta get you a wand," BriRi commented, yawning.

"Works for me.  What about being Sorta-Sorted?"

"Well, the hat in charge is the younger sibling of the Sorting Hat at Hogwarts Fanfiction University."  Melissa decided not to ask how that was possible, as there probably was an answer, and an answer she'd rather not know.   "So when (actually, if) we get a vacation, we could possibly take a trip down there.  I'd like to see Meir Brin again.  Haven't touched bases in a while."

"When will this vacation happen?"

"Who knows," BriRi shrugged.  "You know, the Mary-Sue Department is actually one of the less harassed ones in the HP continuum."

"Really?"

"Yeah.  The bad ones are the Department of Bad Slash and the Department of Horrendous Romances between Canonical Characters."

"Ah.  So we might be transferred if there's a need?"

"Who knows."  BriRi picked herself up to hug CynicalGiantCow.  "How's mummy's boy?  You hungry at all?  Mummy's got some lovely iddle treats for you... yes she does..."

"Oink," CynicalGiantCow said before devouring another package of Ding-Dongs.

Shaking her head though hiding a smile, Melissa exited the room to get a wand from Makes-Things.  This new continuum was going to be a very interesting change indeed.

=====

{Melissa's A/N: That was painful.  Quite painful.}

{BriRi's A/N: And that was an easy one too!  ::grins at Melissa, who groans::  Messing with Oliver's all too common, I'm afraid.  I really don't see why... gah.  I mean, even Melissa has good enough taste not to go for him (she's all for Ron, in case ya didn't notice.)  And yes, my lust object is Snape.  Shut up.  Reviews are loved muchly.  CC will be appreciated and possibly heeded, flames will be used to cremate our next victim.  Please, this is way too much fun to only do once.  Email badfics to me at i_heart_LOTR@hotmail.com.  Pretty please?  Oh, and obligitory apologies to  Gorhuiniel, the former Punk Witch Princess Alex, who fostered this little beast.  ::waves:: Until next time!}
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