by French Pony
[Black screen. Ominous music plays. The movie-trailer voiceover guy speaks in dark, sonorous tones.]
It was a dark time for the PPC. The Suvians had attacked Headquarters.
[Vague shots of a battle involving lasers, sparks, flames, and lots of smoke.]
Voice: d**n the torpedoes!
Makes-Things had been critically wounded.
[Silhouette shot of a young man falling to the ground with a thud.]
[Slo-mo shot of a crash cart hurtling down the halls.]
And the Sues ran rampant through Middle-earth.
[Quick flash shot of an extraordinarily beautiful young Elf maid in the arms of Legolas.]
The Flowers were desperate.
[Shot of the SO turning to bloom dramatically into the camera.]
They needed a hero.
[Silhouette shot of a woman and a man locked in broadsword combat.]
Instead. . .
[Shot of a fuzzy-haired young woman in PPC black holding a melted audiotape with a horrified expression on her face.]
They got Frenchie. . . .
[A prolonged, varied and sonorous crash of equipment. A young man raises his dizzy, stunned head into the frame.]
. . . . and Adam.
[Shot of Frenchie walking with a video camera through the mountains of New Zealand. Adam walks beside her with a boom mike.]
Adam: (David Attenborough voice) Off to your right, notice the Mary Sue in her native habitat.
The AV Geeks. They have no training.
[Shot of Frenchie and Adam in a room full of assorted electronica.]
Frenchie: So what kind of equipment should we bring?
They have no weapons.
[Shot of Adam sitting on Frenchie in the woods. Frenchie waggles a sword.]
Adam: It's got a clever little electronic tip that goes beep.
And they have a major Sue to kill.
[Montage of shots accompanied by a loud, wailing, drippy pop version of "Love Is A Song." An elf-child sinks pathetically over a grave. A brilliant smile. An elf-maiden's hair changes from brown to blonde. Her eyes change from brown to blue. She lies in Legolas's arms making googoo eyes at him.]
A Sue with the power of a wizard. . .
[Montage. A flash of white light. Gandalf is thrown ten feet and lands on his back. The Geeks hit the dirt. An even bigger red-light shock wave cascades through a forest.]
And the voice of Britney Spears.
[Montage, accompanied by horrible singing. The Sue stands in a forest and sings. Flowers bloom. Frenchie writhes in pain. Adam's boom mike explodes. There is an earthquake. Blackout.]
There is only one thing they can do.
Adam: That's inhumane!
And they're gonna do it.
[Shot of Frenchie handing Adam a mass of items involving wires and a switch.]
Frenchie: You get to do the honors on this one.
[Montage. An elf-child digs a grave. Frenchie reaches for a scimitar. Adam takes a picture. The Sue cuddles a Hobbit. A flight of crebain. Legolas and the Sue bend over a skinny, fallen form. The Geeks run wiring frantically through tree branches. An Orc attack. Adam tackles Frenchie. The buzz of high voltage. Blackout.]
There are no more tickets to the funeral.
The PPC AV Department: Sunrise Elf. Coming soon to a website near you.